Holiday music

Well, December is almost here and everything is turning red and green, unless you live in the NEPIW where everything is turning a dull gray so that when the blanket of snow finally arrives, you're thankful rather than annoyed.

In preparation for the holidays, I took a break from work earlier this week and loaded all of my holiday CDs into iTunes. Since that didn't take nearly enough time, I spent some time shopping in the iTunes store. I found some of my favorite, as yet unowned holiday music. Say what you want about Elton John's "Step Into Christmas," I love that song. Just makes me happy. And sometimes, there's nothing better than Bono's heartbreaking, "Baaaaby, please come home!"

In my searching, I came across many familiar titles and artists. I also came across some disturbing titles. Mixed in with "Silver Bells" and "White Christmas," the following songs sat quietly, as if they actually belonged in the list:

First, puzzling pairings of artists and titles:

• Please, Daddy (Don't Get Drunk) - John Denver: I don't care what you say, that's one festive-sounding song.
• Santa Claus (Got Stuck in My Chimney) - Ella Fitzgerald: Well, that's going to be tough to explain to the kids.

Next, pairings that seem to make sense:

• Yellin' at the Xmas Tree - Billy Idol: In the midnight hour, he yells, "Noel! Noel! Noel!"
• One Parent Christmas - Saffire and the Uppity Blues Women: Next line: "Half as many presents"
• I'll Be Stoned for Christmas - Bob Rivers: Hide the mistletoe, Bob's here!
• Codependent Christmas - The Therapy Sisters: The companion piece to John Denver's holiday classic. Please, Daddy, get drunk, because if you don't, none of us will know how to behave.
• Christmas is a Pain in the Arse - The Accelerators: Well, it certainly is for Ella Fitzgerald.
• Xmas in Jail - Asleep at the Wheel: Nobody knows the Christmas I've seen...

And, of course, the kings and queens of dysfunction and misery, the country singers:

• Leroy the Redneck Reindeer - Joe Diffie: Ah, the redneck jokes just never get old. Ha ha ha, a redneck reindeer. What do you suppose he hunts?
• Santa's Got a Semi - Keith Harling: Nothing says Merry Christmas like pumping your arm up and down, hoping Santa will blow his horn.
• Cold Beer - Tracy Lawrence: Let it pour, let it pour, let it pour.
• Let's Make a Baby King - Wynonna: Wonder where you're supposed to put the emphasis in this one. "Let's make a baby, King" means one thing, while "Let's make a baby king" means something totally different. Both are equally gross, though.

And, finally, my personal favorite:

• Santa's Messin' with the Kid - Lynryd Skynyrd: I don't even want to know that this song is about.

I'm sticking to Elton and Bono.

Project Dissertation

I love Project Runway. Sure, the over-the-top contestants get on my nerves (last seaon's Vincent and Angela, and this season's Christian and Elisa) for example), but the combination of ridiculous challenges and snarky judges wins me over every time. I have the same response to Top Chef. At least the Project Runway judges don't have to eat the failed designs.

As I watched last night, I realized that writing a dissertation is a lot like Project Runway. I'm at a point where time is running out and I'm just hoping that my committee (the judges) don't see unfinished hems and puckered seams. Most of all, I'm hoping they don't see that the whole thing is held together with safety pins, ready to collapse into a scrap heap in the slightest breeze. I don't think I'll use this season's Elisa's "spit marking" technique on my dissertation.

Unfortunately, I don't have a stick figure model to "work" my dissertation when it's finished. And I don't have an accessory wall where I can choose scarves, shoes, and purses to dress up my creation and hide all the flaws. Nor do I have Tim Gunn looking over his glasses at all the mounds of paper and books, giving me the stare and saying, "It looks like you have a lot of work to do. I'm concerned." OK, maybe I can do without that, but I would like to hear, "Make it work." Who knows, maybe he'd come by and say, "This is great! Really. Carry on." Let's just hope none of my committee members say, "Your dissertation is boring and uninspired. It left us sad. You're out. Auf Wiedersehen."

Perhaps I've been writing too much lately. I plan to stop in April.