Busy Women

During my trip to Savannah last month, I picked up a free publication that looked intriguing. It was "The Little Black Book for Every Busy Woman" (emphasis in original). Truth be told, it was my first night in the city and I'd ventured to a neighborhood brew pub for dinner. As I finished my meal, a thunderstorm rolled into town, so I decided to belly up to the bar and wait out the storm. Looking around for something to keep me occupied, I picked up the "Little Black Book." So, when I say the publication was "intriguing," I mean that in the "stranded by the weather, in a bar alone with nothing else to read" sense.

The Little Black Book is a free 33-page pamphlet with suggestions for Arts & Leisure, Business & Finance, Dining & Entertainment, Education & Organizations, Hair & Skin Care, Health, Home Essentials, Weddings, and a Calendar of Events. Apparently, if you are a busy woman, you are busy in many, many different ways. Not only does the pamphlet highlight local events, it also spotlights local businesses who are kind enough to pay for advertising (thus explaining how this little gem can be free.)

So, what's in the Little Black Book? Well, under Arts and Leisure, there's an ad for Savannah Together, where they'll help the busy woman find the man or woman of her dreams. They have an 80% success rate. Tellingly, they do not divulge the total number. Ever notice that? Maybe they've only helped 8 people. Yes, in the immortal words of Air Supply, that's "8 less lonely people in the world," but still it's only 8. And if you're really busy, do you really have time for their personalized and confidential screening?

Also in Arts & Leisure: The 5th Annual Cruise for Critters. That's right, seems the busy woman is never too busy to go on a 3-hour sightseeing cruise. Wonder if they have time to be stranded on a deserted island with "Gilligan, the Skipper too. The Millionaire, and his wife, The movie star, the professor and MaryAnn." Although the cruise raises money for the local Pet Rescue, one should note that pets are not allowed on the cruise. How rude.

If a pet-free pet cruise isn't for you, there's WaterHorse photography, specializing in equine photography. Because the busy woman apparently has lots of money. And she's never too busy to own and keep a horse, and then pay a professional photographer to take pictures of her friend, Flicka.

In Business & Finance, there's the predictable ads for investment services. One asks, "Wouldn't it be nice to have your investments aligned with your values?" Um, no. I don't need to invest any more money in Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom paraphrenalia.

Moving ahead, the only service advertised under Health is "Breast Imaging." No, not Breast Imagining, that's in the busy man's guide. No, this service detects breast cancer. I'm all for detecting and treating breast cancer, but don't busy women have other health concerns? Seriously. There are 4 listings under "Weddings," and only one under "Health." If this is what busy is, I don't want any part of it.

After all the spotlighted businesses, we really get to the good part. The Busy Woman of the Year 2008 Award. This year's winner runs a local child advocacy center, went to Ground Zero after the attacks on 9/11, raised 2 children, married twice, and became a foster parent. As the recipient of the Busy Woman of the Year Award, she wins a fashionable handbag, a new haircut, a trip to a spa, a one-night stay in one of the city's mid-range hotels, and some fake eyelashes and a fragrant candle. No, I'm not making up those last two items. Good for her! Way to go!

I have to say that there are some contests that I'd like to win. Don't get me wrong, I stay busy. But I don't want to be known as the "busiest woman of the year," and I certainly don't want to compete to be the busiest woman of the year. Biggest Slack-Ass of the Year - now there's a contest I can get behind (so to speak), especially if the winner gets to have dinner with Johnny Depp and/or Orlando Bloom. Fake eyelashes and fragrant candles are poor, poor substitutes.

The last few pages of the pamphlet are calendar pages, where the busy woman can note "anniversaries, birthdays, special events and me time." Apparently, when you're really busy, you have to schedule "me time." Lord, don't ever let me be that busy.

If you're not already busy enough, the calendar comes with some dates already filled out with charity events and networking opportunities, so you can either feel like you're not already busy enough, or you can feel really guilty because you're not going to the "Pink Tea Celebrate Life Breast Cancer Awareness Event."

The calendar also includes lesser-known "holidays." While I'm not particularly interested in celebrating "Cheer Up the Lonely Day," I could work a celebration of "Chocolate Day" into my busy schedule. Likewise, I'm happy to find time for "Lazy Day" and "National Ice Cream Sandwich Day." "Global Forgiveness Day" and "National Trail Mix Day" - not so much.

I thought about celebrating "Fight Procrastination Day" this Friday, but I think I'll put it off.

Charm City pamphlet

In the past week or so, I've been terribly remiss in writing on many fronts. So, with the start of a new week, I'm getting back into the swing of things, making up for some lost time. Last week, I traveled to Charm City for work. In a stunning display of efficiency and competence, the flights there and back landed early. No, really. Seriously. Oh, stop laughing.

I traveled to attend a 2-day meeting. The first day was long - lots of sitting and listening. The data presentations in the afternoon almost did me in. Even the presenters looked and sounded bored. Perhaps if they had presented their findings through interpretive dance. I think I'll suggest that to them.

On the morning of the second day, I checked out of the hotel and walked to the meeting site, looking the part of the modern business professional in my skirt and heels and dragging my suitcase behind me. As I made my way up the hill, I spied a pamphlet on the sidewalk. I momentarily stopped being a business professional and became a crazy person, transforming in a disturbingly short amount of time. I stopped in my tracks, turned around (suitcase still in hand), stooped, and picked up the pamphlet. I knew I was tempting fate, since the last time I was in Charm City, I fell down while simply walking from point A to point B. In my defense, I was wearing heels and walking on an uneven sidewalk. Nothing like finding yourself sitting on the ground, gathering sympathy from homeless people. This time, I didn't fall down. I consider this a minor miracle, since I was in heels, wearing a skirt, on a downward slope, and toting a backpack. I felt like finding the homeless people from my earlier fall and saying, "See, I can be graceful!"

Back to the pamphlet - the title immediately grabbed my attention: "What You MISS By Being a Christian." Well, who wouldn't want to know the answer to that, particularly if you are a Christian? I immediately guessed Hannukah, but I was wrong. According to this publication, HELL! is what you miss if you are a Christian. Given that I lived in the northeastern post-industrial wasteland for five years, I can only conclude that I am not a Christian, because that was most certainly Hell.

The writers assume that their readers won't know what Hell is, so they offer evidence, extracting phrases from Bible verses and presenting them completely out of context. The list includes some predictable descriptions:

A bottomless pit [so, Hell is like the all-you-can-eat offerings at Olive Garden. Sounds about right.]

A lake of fire.
A furnace of fire.
A devouring fire. [So, there's fire. Got it.]

A place of everlasting punishment.
A place where people cry for mercy. [I think I used to work in Hell.]

A place of filthiness. [What, no swiffers in Hell?]

A place of torments.
A place where people wail.
A place of weeping.
A place of sorrow. [Yep, that's my idea of Hell, spending all of eternity with a bunch of cry-babies.]

Then, there are the more poetic descriptions:
A place of blackness and darkness forever. [Which doesn't seem to make sense if there's an unquenchable fire.]

A place where people have no rest. [No, I suppose not, what with all the crying and fire and punishment.]

Finally, we get some descriptions that border on incomprehensible:
A place where people gnaw their tongues. [Like cows?]

A place where their worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched. [In all my years of regular church attendance, I don't recall ever hearing about a fire-retardant worm.]

Then, there's the most confusing description:
A place where people pray. [Well, clearly no one would want to spend eternity in a place like that.]

The pamphlet then offers suggestions to escape Hell. I thought this might be like escape from Alcatraz, where you'd dig through the walls with a nail file while making a papier mache doll and a boat out of duct tape and rain ponchos. Turns out, it's more like Dorothy escaping from Oz. First, to escape Hell, you should believe you are a sinner. Check. Believe you deserve to go to Hell. Double check, particularly after I told a blind woman that I was suffering more than she was (more on that later). And, there are a few other things on the list, none of which involve any art projects or clicking your heels three times.

At the end of the pamphlet, the publishers ask "If you have decided to trust Jesus Christ as your saviour after reading this pamphlet, please write and let us know." I think I'd only skew their evaluation results if I sent a copy of this blog. I'm also thinking that I'll never travel smoothly again and I'll fall down a lot more.