Soccer

Today, as I walked on the treadmill at the gym, I watched a soccer match. I'd like to say that I was inspired by watching my 5 year old niece's soccer match, or by my friend's emails about World Cup soccer, but neither would be true. Yes, my niece is inspiring, but I think we all did a lot more perspiring when we watched her game.

No, I was inspired to watch soccer because I'd already decided to listen to an NPR podcast - Terry Gross's interview with Scott McClellan. I turned on the soccer so my eyes wouldn't wander to the TV showing Fox News, thus heading off any inevitable uncontrollable rage. Sure, McClellan's interview had the potential to send me into a rage that even Bruce Banner would envy. Instead, as I listened to him whine about how he was "caught up in the partisanship of Washington," I was just annoyed. Hey Scott, if you've had such a change of heart, go to work for an organization working for change. Take your valuable lessons to one of the Presidential campaigns and try to do things right this time. Don't just write some tell-all book where you show off your "new understanding" and make even more money off of this adminstration.

Anyway, back to the soccer match. I had no idea that soccer had become a full-contact sport. I learned some valuable lessons that I plan to apply to everyday life:

1) If someone trips you, don't get up immediately. Instead, roll around on the ground, holding your shin and yelling. This is most effective if you can muster a fully contorted face of complete anguish. The ref will take pity on you and give the other fellow a yellow card, the soccer equivalent of a "mark on your permanent record."

2) If someone slugs you in the mouth, fall to the ground and act like you're praying to Mecca. When you finally raise your head, hold out your bottom lip and ask each of your teammates if you are bleeding. They will take pity on you.

3) Don't stand 6 feet directly in front someone who has the ball. They will kick the ball straight into your face and you will not like it.

4) Always look surprised when the ref holds up a yellow card and points at you - even if you are still standing on your opponent's hand.

5) Don't bother trying to score. It's impossible. I know. I watched the game for a full 50 minutes and no one scored. They showed replays of players scoring goals, but I think they were all staged.

6) When you fall down, try not to get the ball caught between your knees. It's too tempting for your opponent, who will see this as an opportunity to make sure that you will never reproduce.

7) If you want more airtime, make sure you run into people and fall down a lot. In the absence of any scoring, you're sure to get a lot of slow-motion instant replays showing your ballet-like windmilling as your feet go out from under you and you belly-flop to the earth.

I'm happy to report that my niece played a kinder, gentler version of soccer.