Toaster & Toast

I had a bit of excitement Saturday night. No, not that kind of excitement, though it was hot. I decided to make a big pot of spaghetti sauce. Spaghetti sauce is an all-day project because the sauce simmers for 3 hours. But, man, is it good. So, while I watched the Dawgs try their best to lose to the Wildcats, I made sauce.

Finally, as darkness descended, the sauce was ready. I boiled some pasta, made a salad, and put some frozen garlic bread in my toaster oven. I just cleaned the toaster oven because I was having smoke problems - the crumbs would smoke and set off the smoke alarm in my apartment, forcing me to throw open the sliding glass door. Then, I would grab the closest piece of newspaper, dish towel, or hot pad and start waving it wildly toward the smoke detector, like I'm trying to signal a ship at sea. The dialogue that accompanies this scenario usually sounds someting like, "Stop beeping, you stupid thing!"

So, anyway, I cleaned out the toaster oven. I put the bread in and knew, just knew, that the smoke alarm would not go off this time. I turned my attention back to the game. I paid little attention to the warning at the bottom of the toaster oven door. You can't read it in the picture, but it says, "In the event of food flare-up, keep door closed and unplug power cord."

I'm not sure what drew my attention back to the kitchen. I think I heard a little popping sound. When I got to the toaster oven, flames were shooting from the heating element. I knew that I'd seen Pirates of the Caribbean too many times, because my initial response was, "Not good," a la Jack Sparrow when the incredibly offensive characatures of indigenous people tried to roast him.

Then, I opened the door. Now, I know why the warning says, "Keep door closed." The flames got bigger. I had a flashback to "Backdraft," and remembered that oxygen feeds fires. Instead of closing the door, I again turned to Jack Sparrow for inspiration and started to puff at the fire, thinking I'd huff and I'd puff, and I'd blow the flames out. Let's just say that I didn't. I didn't burn my eyebrows off, so it wasn't a complete disaster. All the while, I think I was saying something like, "Oh crap. Oh crap. Oh crap."

Then, like a bolt of lightening from the great beyond, I thought, "In the event of food flare-up, keep door closed and unplug power cord." I closed the door and unplugged the device. The flames died down and went out. In their wake, they left a nice black mark on the heating element of the toaster oven and on my toast. And a really bad smell in my apartment.

But - the smoke detector never went off. Apparently, it only detects smoke, not open flame. I feel so much safer. I'm already planning to buy a new toaster oven.

Scavenging for groceries

I'm having one of those days. The kind of day where I drink my normal daily allotment of coffee in the morning, and then feel like I haven't had any coffee at all for the rest of the day. I think this means that I'm tired.

I managed to get some work done this afternoon, finally completing a long-overdue, lingering consulting project that had been weighing me down like a ton of bricks. I'm not sure that it's my best work, but it's done. I put the invoice in the mail today so with any luck, I'll be able to finally pay off my new computer by Christmas.

I finished the project at about 4PM and decided to address another pressing problem: No food in the house. More importantly, no half-and-half in the house. I put together a grocery list and headed to the K grocery store. I've been shopping at the P store, but today, I had some dry cleaning to drop off and the dry cleaner is near the K store, so I went to the K store.

I stopped shopping at the K store when they rearranged all the food. I'm sure some highly paid consultant (present company excluded) thought that rearranging the food was a good idea. I'm sure they conducted many focus groups to decide where to put the food. I'm also sure that they only involved mentally handicapped, logically-impaired gerbils in these focus groups. Since I'm not a mentally handicapped, logically-impaired gerbil, I can't find a damn thing in this store.

Take today for example. I made it through the produce and meat just fine. Then, I turned my cart to the food aisles. I only needed a few things. I passed up the aisle with the buy-in-bulk specials because I'm only one person, I don't need bulk. I made it halfway through my list and realized that I needed rice. I went back down the pasta aisle. No rice. I went to the "ethnic food" aisle -where you can find salsa and chow mein in a can. No rice. Almost giving up, I turned down the bulk food aisle again. There, in the middle of "30 cans of beans for 10 cents" was the rice. I'm sure this made perfect sense to the mentally handicapped gerbils in the focus group. Next time, I'll ask myself, "WWMHLIGD?" (What would mentally handicapped, logically-impaired gerbils do?)

In total, I ended up going through the frozen food section 3 times, saw the pasta 4 times and passed the cheese twice. In the process, I almost mowed down a fellow in a wheelchair. I finally made it to the check-out line. The bag girl asked if I was having a good day. I considered responding, "Why? What have you heard?"

I walked out of the store and headed into the parking lot with great confidence. I knew just where I'd parked. Or not. Overshot it by an entire aisle. Finally, I found my car, loaded up the groceries and came home. Next week, I'm going back to the P store - and I'm drinking more coffee.

But, for now, I'm all set for a rockin' good Halloween. I have popcorn, candy, and . . .

What more could a girl want?

Busy Women

During my trip to Savannah last month, I picked up a free publication that looked intriguing. It was "The Little Black Book for Every Busy Woman" (emphasis in original). Truth be told, it was my first night in the city and I'd ventured to a neighborhood brew pub for dinner. As I finished my meal, a thunderstorm rolled into town, so I decided to belly up to the bar and wait out the storm. Looking around for something to keep me occupied, I picked up the "Little Black Book." So, when I say the publication was "intriguing," I mean that in the "stranded by the weather, in a bar alone with nothing else to read" sense.

The Little Black Book is a free 33-page pamphlet with suggestions for Arts & Leisure, Business & Finance, Dining & Entertainment, Education & Organizations, Hair & Skin Care, Health, Home Essentials, Weddings, and a Calendar of Events. Apparently, if you are a busy woman, you are busy in many, many different ways. Not only does the pamphlet highlight local events, it also spotlights local businesses who are kind enough to pay for advertising (thus explaining how this little gem can be free.)

So, what's in the Little Black Book? Well, under Arts and Leisure, there's an ad for Savannah Together, where they'll help the busy woman find the man or woman of her dreams. They have an 80% success rate. Tellingly, they do not divulge the total number. Ever notice that? Maybe they've only helped 8 people. Yes, in the immortal words of Air Supply, that's "8 less lonely people in the world," but still it's only 8. And if you're really busy, do you really have time for their personalized and confidential screening?

Also in Arts & Leisure: The 5th Annual Cruise for Critters. That's right, seems the busy woman is never too busy to go on a 3-hour sightseeing cruise. Wonder if they have time to be stranded on a deserted island with "Gilligan, the Skipper too. The Millionaire, and his wife, The movie star, the professor and MaryAnn." Although the cruise raises money for the local Pet Rescue, one should note that pets are not allowed on the cruise. How rude.

If a pet-free pet cruise isn't for you, there's WaterHorse photography, specializing in equine photography. Because the busy woman apparently has lots of money. And she's never too busy to own and keep a horse, and then pay a professional photographer to take pictures of her friend, Flicka.

In Business & Finance, there's the predictable ads for investment services. One asks, "Wouldn't it be nice to have your investments aligned with your values?" Um, no. I don't need to invest any more money in Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom paraphrenalia.

Moving ahead, the only service advertised under Health is "Breast Imaging." No, not Breast Imagining, that's in the busy man's guide. No, this service detects breast cancer. I'm all for detecting and treating breast cancer, but don't busy women have other health concerns? Seriously. There are 4 listings under "Weddings," and only one under "Health." If this is what busy is, I don't want any part of it.

After all the spotlighted businesses, we really get to the good part. The Busy Woman of the Year 2008 Award. This year's winner runs a local child advocacy center, went to Ground Zero after the attacks on 9/11, raised 2 children, married twice, and became a foster parent. As the recipient of the Busy Woman of the Year Award, she wins a fashionable handbag, a new haircut, a trip to a spa, a one-night stay in one of the city's mid-range hotels, and some fake eyelashes and a fragrant candle. No, I'm not making up those last two items. Good for her! Way to go!

I have to say that there are some contests that I'd like to win. Don't get me wrong, I stay busy. But I don't want to be known as the "busiest woman of the year," and I certainly don't want to compete to be the busiest woman of the year. Biggest Slack-Ass of the Year - now there's a contest I can get behind (so to speak), especially if the winner gets to have dinner with Johnny Depp and/or Orlando Bloom. Fake eyelashes and fragrant candles are poor, poor substitutes.

The last few pages of the pamphlet are calendar pages, where the busy woman can note "anniversaries, birthdays, special events and me time." Apparently, when you're really busy, you have to schedule "me time." Lord, don't ever let me be that busy.

If you're not already busy enough, the calendar comes with some dates already filled out with charity events and networking opportunities, so you can either feel like you're not already busy enough, or you can feel really guilty because you're not going to the "Pink Tea Celebrate Life Breast Cancer Awareness Event."

The calendar also includes lesser-known "holidays." While I'm not particularly interested in celebrating "Cheer Up the Lonely Day," I could work a celebration of "Chocolate Day" into my busy schedule. Likewise, I'm happy to find time for "Lazy Day" and "National Ice Cream Sandwich Day." "Global Forgiveness Day" and "National Trail Mix Day" - not so much.

I thought about celebrating "Fight Procrastination Day" this Friday, but I think I'll put it off.

Wrong Wood

Last week, I went to the 90-minute yoga class. I was tired and hadn't eaten a snack so it was a very long class. And, some masochist in the front of the room suggested that we work on arms and upper body strength. Now, I'll be the first to admit that I have the upper body strength of a kangaroo and my arms dangle like limp spaghetti; however, I don't go to yoga so I can torture myself. I was not having much fun.

At the end, we did relaxation exercises. I know that I'm supposed to try to achieve some sort of meditative (or vegetative) state; but, being a good Type A personality, I use this time to plan the next day. So, while the instructor said, "Inhale deeply, then extend your exhalations to twice as long as the inhale," I thought, "So, tomorrow, I'll write the next section in chapter 4. Maybe I'll start with Ed Wood heading to the Highlander Folk School." I stopped and thought, "No, wait, Ed Wood isn't right. It was Jim Wood." I almost laughed out loud at the thought of Johnny Depp as cross-dressing Ed Wood, showing up at Highlander to talk about citizenship schools. Johnny/Ed would sit across from Myles Horton, enthusiastically waving his arms while saying, "So, we'll start schools everywhere. And there will be monsters and all the teachers will be cross-dressers. It'll be great!"

Then, I decided that I'd get Tim Burton to direct the film version of my dissertation.

Motherhood Survey

Last May, I came across this survey. Now, I don't have any children, but I know plenty of people who do (for instance, my mother has children). I read this survey with some interest, and noted my reflections in brackets.

Woman's Day/AOL motherhood survey
04/20/07

1000 mothers responded to this survey are published in the May 8, 2007 issue of Woman’s Day magazine. Here are the top answers in each category.

If stay-at-home moms got a paycheck, how much should they earn annually?
35% responded: $50,000
[$50,000?? That's it?? Now, to be fair, we don't know that the other choices were, but c'mon! ]

What was/is the most challenging stage of your child’s life for you as a mom?
31% responded: When they were teenagers

What stage was/is the most enjoyable?
39% responded: Ages 1 to 3, full of first steps and big accomplishments
[So, have all the fun you can with your young children, because apparently, you're in for a long, long road ahead. And so are your children, as they will have experienced their "big accomplishments" by age 3. Maybe that's why they're such miserable teenagers.]

Forget about dishes or household chores: If your husband were able to spend more time at home, how would you use that time?
39% responded: Just enjoying being a couple
[For wives, this meant talking, sharing personal feelings, holding hands, gazing into each other's eyes. Husbands, on the other hand, thought this meant sitting around watching sports, drinking beer, and scratching themselves, with their wives sitting nearby.]

Who’s the hottest celebrity mom?
40% responded: Angelina Jolie

Pick the celebrity dad you’d most like to have kids with.
37% responded: Johnny Depp
[Duh. I don't even want children and I'd have children with Johnny Depp.]

Which TV mom is most like you?
49% responded: Debra Barone from Everybody Loves Raymond
[Just imagine if a bunch of Peg Bundys responded to the survey.]

What’s your ultimate goal for your children?
83% responded: That they get into good colleges and have rewarding careers
[And stop mooching off their parents!]

Rate yourself as a mother:
65% responded: I do the best I can.
[Wonder what the other choices were. "I stink at it." "I have no maternal instincts and my children would be better off raised by wolves."]

Are moms better off today than they were in the 1950s?
45% responded: We may have different challenges than our mothers did, but we’re not any better or worse off.
[And Betty Friedan just turned over in her grave. Thanks, second-wavers. Good to see your efforts weren't in vain.]

If you work outside the home, what’s your primary motivation?
52% responded: We need the money.
[Other choices - "I need to get away from my children." "I need adult contact." "I'd go bat-shit crazy if I had to stay at home full-time."]

What’s the most difficult thing about being a mom?
52% responded: Making time for myself—I sneak into the bathroom just to have a moment alone.
[I don't ever want to have a life where I have to sneak in the bathroom just to have a moment alone.]

When it comes to your kids, do you have a favorite?
84% responded: No. I love my kids equally.
[Seriously, what were the other options? "I love my first born, but that second kid has got to go."]

Do you and your husband share the responsibilities of child-rearing equally?
39% responded: I take care of their daily needs, but we make the major decisions about our children together.
[Other choices: "No, he does everything." This choice scored a negative percentage from respondents.]

Moms have spoken. Things are different, but not better. And, they want to have kids with Johnny Depp. Interesting that the magazine doesn't ask if they'd rather have kids with Johnny Depp or their own husbands. Probably best to let that sleeping dog lie.