Toaster & Toast

I had a bit of excitement Saturday night. No, not that kind of excitement, though it was hot. I decided to make a big pot of spaghetti sauce. Spaghetti sauce is an all-day project because the sauce simmers for 3 hours. But, man, is it good. So, while I watched the Dawgs try their best to lose to the Wildcats, I made sauce.

Finally, as darkness descended, the sauce was ready. I boiled some pasta, made a salad, and put some frozen garlic bread in my toaster oven. I just cleaned the toaster oven because I was having smoke problems - the crumbs would smoke and set off the smoke alarm in my apartment, forcing me to throw open the sliding glass door. Then, I would grab the closest piece of newspaper, dish towel, or hot pad and start waving it wildly toward the smoke detector, like I'm trying to signal a ship at sea. The dialogue that accompanies this scenario usually sounds someting like, "Stop beeping, you stupid thing!"

So, anyway, I cleaned out the toaster oven. I put the bread in and knew, just knew, that the smoke alarm would not go off this time. I turned my attention back to the game. I paid little attention to the warning at the bottom of the toaster oven door. You can't read it in the picture, but it says, "In the event of food flare-up, keep door closed and unplug power cord."

I'm not sure what drew my attention back to the kitchen. I think I heard a little popping sound. When I got to the toaster oven, flames were shooting from the heating element. I knew that I'd seen Pirates of the Caribbean too many times, because my initial response was, "Not good," a la Jack Sparrow when the incredibly offensive characatures of indigenous people tried to roast him.

Then, I opened the door. Now, I know why the warning says, "Keep door closed." The flames got bigger. I had a flashback to "Backdraft," and remembered that oxygen feeds fires. Instead of closing the door, I again turned to Jack Sparrow for inspiration and started to puff at the fire, thinking I'd huff and I'd puff, and I'd blow the flames out. Let's just say that I didn't. I didn't burn my eyebrows off, so it wasn't a complete disaster. All the while, I think I was saying something like, "Oh crap. Oh crap. Oh crap."

Then, like a bolt of lightening from the great beyond, I thought, "In the event of food flare-up, keep door closed and unplug power cord." I closed the door and unplugged the device. The flames died down and went out. In their wake, they left a nice black mark on the heating element of the toaster oven and on my toast. And a really bad smell in my apartment.

But - the smoke detector never went off. Apparently, it only detects smoke, not open flame. I feel so much safer. I'm already planning to buy a new toaster oven.