Commercials

I've been watching a lot of TV lately. It's my last week before I plunge back into academia and, ... why am I making excuses? I'm watching a lot of TV, that's all you need to know. In the past few days, I've seen some rather interesting commercials. Indulge me while I reflect on these advertising masterpieces.

First: Pizza Hut. Pizza Hut, home of the "tomato juice covered cardboard," has introduced a new pizza - one that caters to the fine connaisseur in all of us, the same fine connaisseur who still wants multiple pizzas delivered to the house for $5 or less. "The Natural" from Pizza Hut has a wholesome multi-grain crust, organic tomato sauce made from sun-ripened tomatoes, organic cheese, and natural pepperoni. I'm pretty sure they've hired happy little birds to sing a happy tune while they construct your all-natural pizza.

On the commercial, the announcer says, "Put an end to pizzas made from processed crap." Clearly, I don't recall his exact words, but it was something like that. Here's the thing: Wasn't Pizza Hut the nation's leading purveyor of processed-crap pizzas? Are they finally admitting that their past pizzas were made with more unholy ingredients than a Twinkie? Interesting to note that they haven't discontinued the processed crap pizzas. In other words, "We care about you, more than our competition. We want you to be healthy. We're now using only all-natural ingredients, unlike our competition who will continue to harden your arteries and kill you slowly with their processed crap. However, if you'd prefer the processed crap, we still have that on the menu and will be happy to deliver to your home."

Next: Listen Up. This is a magic hearing aid that solves all of your problems, including not being able to hear private conversations from across the street or across the room. That's right, with Listen Up, you can finally indulge all of your paranoid and narcissistic fantasies and listen to what everyone is saying without the incovenience of hiding in bushes or pushing a glass against the wall. I'm going to forego the obvious questions about whether this is a good idea or not, and jump to filtering. This super-magic device simultaneously allows you to hear conversations up to 100 feet away, and allows you to hear a pin-drop from across the room. So, the question is: Who in hell wants to hear every sound in a 100-foot radius echoing in their ears? Ah, insanity has many manifestations.

Next: Weight Loss Supplement. I didn't catch the name of the brand, but the supplement comes in portions that look like the individual half-and-half containers you find in hotels and restaurants. The commerical shows a talking cartoon drawing of a rather shapely woman. She's telling us all about how she tried lots of diets and none worked. At this point, her cartoon figure ballons out, so she's now the shape of a beach ball (though her legs mysteriously remain slim and shapely.) Lady Cartoon then explains that she turned to this weight loss supplement for help. All she had to do was chug down two portions before her meals and she ate 1/3 less without being hungry. Then, miraculously, she returns to her previous shapely figure.

Here's my favorite part of this ad: After she slims down again, the advertisers put a disclaimer at the bottom of the screen. It says something like, "This is a dramatization using a cartoon drawing. Real people require sensible diet and exercise to achieve these results." So, if you exercise and eat sensibly and still don't achieve these results, you're not real.

Last: Macy's. The department store that ate the competition is having an end-of-the-year cosmetics sale. I guess they think that we all look like hell after the holidays. So much for rest and relaxation to restore our bedraggled skin and hair. So much for diet and exercise in these troubled times - nope, all we need is a new coat of varnish. According to the ad, you can get any of their fine elixirs and potions on sale, just in time to head back to work. One claim in particular caught my attention. At Macy's, "Sales associates are standing by to help you erase the past." Wow. It all seems a bit "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" but I'm almost tempted to head to Macy's, find a sales associate and inquire about this new service.

Coming to a Full Stop

Before the semester ended, I dreamed of a day when I could sit on the couch and watch TV all day. I thought the day would never come. Then, the semester ended and I kept right on working, like some sorry marathon runner who didn't know she'd passed the finish line. This past week, I started to revise my syllabus. Now that I have some idea of what I'm doing in this class, I changed books and reading assignments to better match what I'm actually doing. Earlier this week, I came to the conclusion that I'm simply not getting paid enough to kill myself, so I'm also simplifying assignments.

Yesterday, I woke up, came into the office with my coffee and surveyed the incomplete syllabus. I had my frequent and recurring thought: "I really don't want to work on this today. I wish I could just sit on the couch and watch TV all day." Like a bolt of lightening, I realized that I could sit on the couch and watch TV all day! I threw the work car into park and abandoned it right there in the middle of the road. I picked up my coffee, and headed down the highway to my couch, never looking back.

As soon as my butt hit the cushions, I found a Dirty Jobs marathon on Discovery. Perfect. I settled in, after starting the week's laundry so I wouldn't feel like a total slug. I watched Mike Rowe do any number of unmentionable things for hours. Then, I watched the last 90 minutes of Mr. Smith Goes to Washington. Love, love, love that movie.

I made it out to get groceries and returned home to make chicken and dumplings. I didn't care that it was over 70 degrees outside, on a lazy day, I want comfort food. The TV pickings were pretty slim in the late afternoon, and I considered reading a book, but that sounded like too much work. So, I watched 2 MASH re-runs (holiday episodes, including my favorite where they focus on Father Mulcahey).

After dinner, I watched, "You Can't Take It With You." Cute movie. Lots of recognizable stars. It was a bit jarring to see Jimmy Stewart getting along with Lionel Barrymore, since we all know how nasty Mr. Potter is to George Bailey in "It's a Wonderful Life." And, having recently watched Mr. Smith, it was a bit strange to see Jimmy Stewart having a civil conversation with Edward Arnold. But, how could anyone not love Jean Arthur? Ah, the old studio system.

Not sure how I'll spend today. Full stop feels pretty darn good.

Mad Men

I've developed a new addiction in recent weeks. It's called, "Mad Men." I know that I am late to this party, but better late than never. I'm watching last season in Netflix. With two more episodes to go, I'm hooked.

I know I'm hooked because I have random flashes of Mad Men during otherwise un-Mad Men related activities. The other day, while I was driving home, I thought about how creepy Pete Campbell is. He really upsets me. He's such a snake. Yeah, yeah, I know that I'm supposed to feel sorry for him because his father doesn't love him and he only got married because his wife had money and he thought he had to get married. Well, I don't feel sorry for him. I would be very happy if he fell down the elevator shaft at Sterling Cooper, a la Rosalind Shays on LA Law.

Mad Men has made me fall in love with John Slattery all over again. I loved him in "Ed." I even loved him when he wanted Carrie Bradshaw to pee on him in "Sex and the City." How many actors can you say that about? In Mad Men, he's a real letch - having an affair with the office manager, hitting on employee's wives, getting schnokered at lunch. But he's so charming and endearing, unlike Pete Campbell who is just a sniveling, conniving snake. Something tells me John Slattery's character is not going to survive next season and I'll miss him terribly.

Still trying to figure out if Peggy is pregnant. Don't tell me!! Have to say that I loved the scenes where she tries to explain why women will love the "Rejuvenator."

Also loved the scene where Betty Draper takes a rifle and shoots the neighbor's doves out of the sky, all while smoking a cigarette and wearing a housecoat. Fabulous!

But here's what I really like about this show: Each of the characters is flawed and multi-dimensional. I also love that writers explore 1960s society without beating the viewer over the head with it. Rampant sexism, the malaise of college-educated housewives, the Nixon-Kennedy election, work ethics - all woven into great stories. I particularly enjoy the references to salaries and the cost of consumer goods. "He already makes $35,000/year!" "I'd like a $5/week raise. I currently make $35/week." I'm considering showing episodes of the show in Women's History classes, or classes on the 1960s. It's that good.

Real Reality TV

For the past month or so, I've spent the middle of the week with Big City friends. The commute from College Town to Big City got to be too much on my weary body and soul. So, I take advantage of my friends' hospitality, paying for my keep in food and good humor.

I've discovered a whole new world at their house. They watch TV shows that I didn't even know existed. For instance, did you know that there's a show where marginally talented hosts discuss the latest tech gadgets and internet videos? The key to this show seems to be the size of the female hosts' breasts. The other key ingredient is the type of videos that they choose to highlight. In one video, a woman inserted a rocket into her backside and her "friends" lit the fuse. The video ended with her squealing as the flame reached her bare backside. I know what you're thinking, "Why would anyone do this?" I think the more important questions are: Why would someone film it? Why would someone post it? Not to mention, Why would someone show it on TV? And finally, Why would someone watch it? All good questions. I'm choosing to avoid the answers because I'm pretty sure that the only explanation is that we're all going to hell.

I also learned that there's a TV show where 2 grown men go around and destroy whatever they can find. They call themselves "Human Wrecking Balls." The show is all about watching these two fellows tear apart houses, boats, airplanes, etc. - all with their bare hands. Oh, and they can use whatever they tear up as projectiles to continue their total destruction. They have an engineer on hand to help them understand the construction, and subsequent destruction, of specific parts of the house, boats, airplanes, etc. I think the engineer is supposed to lend an air of education to the show. They also have an attractive female doctor on hand to tend to their injuries. I believe my mouth actually fell open while watching the promo for this show.

I have developed a true affection for "Dirty Jobs" on the Discovery Channel. Mike Rowe rocks. The show often makes my skin crawl, but in a good way. Who knew that someone got paid to crawl inside a ship boiler and clean it out? Or who knew that someone makes money by rowing out into a lake and collecting leaches? Actually, the collection wasn't the bad part of that show, it was the frying and eating leaches that turned my stomach. Gotta say that I would love to get paid to research potential dirty jobs for Mike, then watch as he cleans out sewers or crawls under mobile homes with a crazy guy whose shoulder pops out of socket. Overall, this show makes me feel so much better about my job.

In addition to these shows, I've watched a fair amount of Tim Gunn's Guide to Style and What Not to Wear (or "What Not to Watch," according to my uncle). Here's my problem with these shows: They take a woman who has questionable fashion sense, take away all of her crappy clothes, then give her thousands of dollars to replace her wardrobe with more stylish clothes. "More stylish" as defined by Stacy and Clinton, and Tim Gunn. By watching these shows, we're all supposed to learn important lessons and be better shoppers and better dressed.

This works great if someone gives you thousands of dollars. My problem is that I don't have thousands of dollars, so I end up buying scattered pieces on sale, hoping that they'll magically form outfits in my closet. They don't. My wardrobe consists of maybe 3 good outfits and lots of other tops and bottoms that don't really go together. And I won't even talk about the stuff that doesn't fit anymore. Damn aging and gravity.

So, in this age where anything and everything makes its way onto TV, I'd like to propose a new show. I'd like for Tim Gunn and Clinton Kelly to come to my house and sort through my closet to find the stuff that I should keep. (I'm not all that fond of Stacy London or Tim's sidekick so they're not invited.) Then, I'd like for Tim and Clinton to use my current disposable income to put a wardrobe together. Good luck! They can show me how to look cute even when I have to wear dowdy shoes. They can show me how to look put together at 4PM when I'm starting my final class of the day. Then, they can give me thousands of dollars.