Commercials

I've been watching a lot of TV lately. It's my last week before I plunge back into academia and, ... why am I making excuses? I'm watching a lot of TV, that's all you need to know. In the past few days, I've seen some rather interesting commercials. Indulge me while I reflect on these advertising masterpieces.

First: Pizza Hut. Pizza Hut, home of the "tomato juice covered cardboard," has introduced a new pizza - one that caters to the fine connaisseur in all of us, the same fine connaisseur who still wants multiple pizzas delivered to the house for $5 or less. "The Natural" from Pizza Hut has a wholesome multi-grain crust, organic tomato sauce made from sun-ripened tomatoes, organic cheese, and natural pepperoni. I'm pretty sure they've hired happy little birds to sing a happy tune while they construct your all-natural pizza.

On the commercial, the announcer says, "Put an end to pizzas made from processed crap." Clearly, I don't recall his exact words, but it was something like that. Here's the thing: Wasn't Pizza Hut the nation's leading purveyor of processed-crap pizzas? Are they finally admitting that their past pizzas were made with more unholy ingredients than a Twinkie? Interesting to note that they haven't discontinued the processed crap pizzas. In other words, "We care about you, more than our competition. We want you to be healthy. We're now using only all-natural ingredients, unlike our competition who will continue to harden your arteries and kill you slowly with their processed crap. However, if you'd prefer the processed crap, we still have that on the menu and will be happy to deliver to your home."

Next: Listen Up. This is a magic hearing aid that solves all of your problems, including not being able to hear private conversations from across the street or across the room. That's right, with Listen Up, you can finally indulge all of your paranoid and narcissistic fantasies and listen to what everyone is saying without the incovenience of hiding in bushes or pushing a glass against the wall. I'm going to forego the obvious questions about whether this is a good idea or not, and jump to filtering. This super-magic device simultaneously allows you to hear conversations up to 100 feet away, and allows you to hear a pin-drop from across the room. So, the question is: Who in hell wants to hear every sound in a 100-foot radius echoing in their ears? Ah, insanity has many manifestations.

Next: Weight Loss Supplement. I didn't catch the name of the brand, but the supplement comes in portions that look like the individual half-and-half containers you find in hotels and restaurants. The commerical shows a talking cartoon drawing of a rather shapely woman. She's telling us all about how she tried lots of diets and none worked. At this point, her cartoon figure ballons out, so she's now the shape of a beach ball (though her legs mysteriously remain slim and shapely.) Lady Cartoon then explains that she turned to this weight loss supplement for help. All she had to do was chug down two portions before her meals and she ate 1/3 less without being hungry. Then, miraculously, she returns to her previous shapely figure.

Here's my favorite part of this ad: After she slims down again, the advertisers put a disclaimer at the bottom of the screen. It says something like, "This is a dramatization using a cartoon drawing. Real people require sensible diet and exercise to achieve these results." So, if you exercise and eat sensibly and still don't achieve these results, you're not real.

Last: Macy's. The department store that ate the competition is having an end-of-the-year cosmetics sale. I guess they think that we all look like hell after the holidays. So much for rest and relaxation to restore our bedraggled skin and hair. So much for diet and exercise in these troubled times - nope, all we need is a new coat of varnish. According to the ad, you can get any of their fine elixirs and potions on sale, just in time to head back to work. One claim in particular caught my attention. At Macy's, "Sales associates are standing by to help you erase the past." Wow. It all seems a bit "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" but I'm almost tempted to head to Macy's, find a sales associate and inquire about this new service.