Yesterday, I read a news story about a small town in South Africa. Seems a river runs through it, and rather than attracting Brad Pitt and his fly-casting rod, this river attracts crocodiles. The town school is on one side of the river, forcing the children who live on the other side to cross aforementioned croc-infested river to get to school.
All was going well until someone stole the town's only boat. I imagine there's a special place in hell for this person. Now, the children have to swim across the river, or use inner tubes and inflatable rafts, or their parents have to carry them across. Whatever method they choose, they still have to dodge crocodiles.
As I read this story, I thought, "Their teacher must really be something, because I just don't think my students would swim through crocodile-infested waters to get to my class." I related the story to my students and they confirmed my suspicions. One said, "If traffic is bad, I turn around and go home." So, maybe he'd swim the river if it wasn't congested with crocodiles. Though, if the river was chock-full of crocs, my student could do that James Bond hop-skip-and-jump on their heads to get to the other side. Another student wanted to know how big the crocodiles were. I'm guessing his commitment to the class and the crocodile size are inverse proportions: big crocodile = small commitment. A few students did chime in with, "No, we'd swim the river for you." So, I'm tempted to fill the campus pond with crocodiles and test their commitment.
In other pond-related news, my students are registering for summer classes. They all have a gym requirement, so they've been discussing their options. One option is Fishing. Isn't this more of a hobby? Really begs the question: Why have a gym requirement if you're offering classes that don't require any physical exercise?
Friday, March 28, 2008
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Dryer repair
The dryer repairman just left. He was one of the strangest people I've ever encountered, and I used to work in mental health. Apparently, he's been working in dryer repair for 34 years and that might explain his eccentricity.
I'm not sure I can adequately describe the fellow's weirdness. When I opened the door, he stood on the threshold and held out his hand, "Hello," he said, speaking quickly, "I'm [insert name here]. I just want you to know who's entering your home. Thank you so much for inviting me in." He then wiped his feet furiously on my welcome mat. I'm a little surprised that he didn't produce sparks.
He referred to me as "my friend" over and over. "Well, my friend, if you'll show me where your dryer is, my friend, I'll get started, my friend." I showed him where the dryer is, and sure enough, he got to work. He continued his narration as he got underway, "My friend, I'm going to put a quilt on the floor, my friend, so I don't cause any damage to your floor, my friend." And, true to his word, he did put a quilt on the floor and got to work - after he suited up with knee pads and fingerless, knit gloves that looked a bit like leg warmers on his arms. With his back brace belt thing, he looked like he'd prepared for quite a battle with my dryer.
He soon discovered that the new drum was more warped than the old one. He explained all of this to me, looking at me through the dryer drum that he'd lifted off the floor. "You see, my friend, it's oblong. Look here, my friend, it's longer across here than here, my friend." He confirmed that I wanted the drum-of-lesser-warp put back in the dryer, sealing the deal with an "amen." So, he reshaped the old drum and put the dryer back together.
After a few more "amens" and "my friends", he left, leaving me with good wishes for me, my home, and my family as he went out the door. He was a pleasant sort and seemed to know his way around laundry appliances. In the end, the dryer is quieter and shouldn't bang any more. If it does, I can call and have "my amen-ing friend" come back.
I'm not sure I can adequately describe the fellow's weirdness. When I opened the door, he stood on the threshold and held out his hand, "Hello," he said, speaking quickly, "I'm [insert name here]. I just want you to know who's entering your home. Thank you so much for inviting me in." He then wiped his feet furiously on my welcome mat. I'm a little surprised that he didn't produce sparks.
He referred to me as "my friend" over and over. "Well, my friend, if you'll show me where your dryer is, my friend, I'll get started, my friend." I showed him where the dryer is, and sure enough, he got to work. He continued his narration as he got underway, "My friend, I'm going to put a quilt on the floor, my friend, so I don't cause any damage to your floor, my friend." And, true to his word, he did put a quilt on the floor and got to work - after he suited up with knee pads and fingerless, knit gloves that looked a bit like leg warmers on his arms. With his back brace belt thing, he looked like he'd prepared for quite a battle with my dryer.
He soon discovered that the new drum was more warped than the old one. He explained all of this to me, looking at me through the dryer drum that he'd lifted off the floor. "You see, my friend, it's oblong. Look here, my friend, it's longer across here than here, my friend." He confirmed that I wanted the drum-of-lesser-warp put back in the dryer, sealing the deal with an "amen." So, he reshaped the old drum and put the dryer back together.
After a few more "amens" and "my friends", he left, leaving me with good wishes for me, my home, and my family as he went out the door. He was a pleasant sort and seemed to know his way around laundry appliances. In the end, the dryer is quieter and shouldn't bang any more. If it does, I can call and have "my amen-ing friend" come back.
Friday, March 21, 2008
Women's History Month
It's Women's History Month - in case you didn't know. As a women's historian, I feel compelled to write at least one blog entry about this important event. I could extoll the virtues of famous women like Susan B. Anthony and Elizabeth Cady Stanton. I could list many of the important accomplishments by women in US History. I could write something thoughtful about Hilary Rodham Clinton's historic run for President. I could do any of those things, but I'm not. Instead, I'm going to talk about the campus where I teach.
This week, we happened to discuss the Second Great Awakening and Reform Movements of the antebellum period. I didn't plan it that way, it's just the way the course worked out. Many of my students had no great awakening during my lecture, which I'll admit was a real snooze fest. Yesterday, we discussed issues related to women and reform. One of my male students kept referring to "all of us men" and making comments about how women had a lot of power because "they can withhold favors at home" or "they can nag until they get what they want." This is a student who believes he's much more charming than he actually is. I was so proud of one of my female students when she spoke up and said, "I think you have personal problems." If that's not celebrating Women's History Month, I don't know what is.
In honor of Women's History Month, the campus organized a panel discussion. No, it's not about famous women in history. No, they didn't invite female leaders from the nearby surrounds to share their experiences. Instead, it's a panel discussion on: Do you really know your date? the Director of Student Life, a Public Safety Representative, and the Director of Victim Services are going to discuss date rape, harassment, and online Facebook issues.
I'll be the first to admit that these are important issues. But to label the program, "Celebrating Women's History Month" just seems to reinforce the message that women's history is only about violence, victimization, and individual relationships. It also sends a message that these issues only affect women, and only deserve special attention when we turn our attention to "women's issues." Personally, I blame the Lifetime Network for this interpretation of women's history.
During Black History Month, this same campus sponsored a debate about whether students should be required to take African American History. From what I understand, it turned into a free-for-all against the poor sucker who volunteered to argue the negative side of the argument. Very helpful in promoting open dialogue.
So, here's what I think. We celebrate Women's History Month when we shift focus away from gendered stereotypes to honor the accomplishments of all women. We celebrate women's history when we have meaningful discussions about persistent economic disparity and continuing struggles to define and achieve "balance." We celebrate African American History M0nth when we engage in thoughtful debate about race in this country, when we stop long enough to listen, when we stop long enough to get past knee-jerk emotional responses to discuss real and important issues - like economic disparity, unequal access to education and employment, the myth that this country has gotten past its troubled history with race.
We celebrate women's history and African American history when we realize that both are, in fact, the history of this country.
This week, we happened to discuss the Second Great Awakening and Reform Movements of the antebellum period. I didn't plan it that way, it's just the way the course worked out. Many of my students had no great awakening during my lecture, which I'll admit was a real snooze fest. Yesterday, we discussed issues related to women and reform. One of my male students kept referring to "all of us men" and making comments about how women had a lot of power because "they can withhold favors at home" or "they can nag until they get what they want." This is a student who believes he's much more charming than he actually is. I was so proud of one of my female students when she spoke up and said, "I think you have personal problems." If that's not celebrating Women's History Month, I don't know what is.
In honor of Women's History Month, the campus organized a panel discussion. No, it's not about famous women in history. No, they didn't invite female leaders from the nearby surrounds to share their experiences. Instead, it's a panel discussion on: Do you really know your date? the Director of Student Life, a Public Safety Representative, and the Director of Victim Services are going to discuss date rape, harassment, and online Facebook issues.
I'll be the first to admit that these are important issues. But to label the program, "Celebrating Women's History Month" just seems to reinforce the message that women's history is only about violence, victimization, and individual relationships. It also sends a message that these issues only affect women, and only deserve special attention when we turn our attention to "women's issues." Personally, I blame the Lifetime Network for this interpretation of women's history.
During Black History Month, this same campus sponsored a debate about whether students should be required to take African American History. From what I understand, it turned into a free-for-all against the poor sucker who volunteered to argue the negative side of the argument. Very helpful in promoting open dialogue.
So, here's what I think. We celebrate Women's History Month when we shift focus away from gendered stereotypes to honor the accomplishments of all women. We celebrate women's history when we have meaningful discussions about persistent economic disparity and continuing struggles to define and achieve "balance." We celebrate African American History M0nth when we engage in thoughtful debate about race in this country, when we stop long enough to listen, when we stop long enough to get past knee-jerk emotional responses to discuss real and important issues - like economic disparity, unequal access to education and employment, the myth that this country has gotten past its troubled history with race.
We celebrate women's history and African American history when we realize that both are, in fact, the history of this country.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
260 pages
260 pages. That's how long my dissertation is. I love order and symmetry, so the fact that it just worked out to be an even 260 pages without any specific planning on my part makes me very happy. I've just finished some line-edit revisions and additional footnotes. I'll meet a friend later to print out the entire thing. My printer would have a coronary and die on the spot if I asked it to take on this monumental task.
But, yes, you read right - the entire thing. It's all on paper. No more chapters to write. No more epilogues hanging over my head. No more conclusions to struggle with. It's done - for now. I still have to defend it, and I expect my committee members will "recommend" some revisions. ("Recommend" meaning "require" in this case). But for now - Yipeeee!
I keep trying to figure out the dissertation equivalent of that "Rent" song: "Two hundred, sixty text-filled pages, that's how I measure, measure a dissertation." Maybe I'll add seven more pages, just so it fits in the song. Or I could cut three pages.
I finished the epilogue yesterday morning and immediately felt my life coming back. I took the afternoon and evening off - my first guilt-free afternoon and evening in 6 years. I even put off the laundry because it seemed like work. I made a huge dinner - herbed pork tenderloin, roasted horseradish potatoes, asparagus, a green salad with lemon vinegarette and french bread. I didn't burn anything or leave out any vitally important ingredients. I watched 2 movies - and followed the plots all the way through. OK, one was a Harry Potter movie, but hey, those can get really complex.
Today, I'm back at it. I have to write a lecture on reform movements in the antebellum period. It's a beautiful day outside. I think I'll go for a walk. The lecture will still be there when I get back.
But, yes, you read right - the entire thing. It's all on paper. No more chapters to write. No more epilogues hanging over my head. No more conclusions to struggle with. It's done - for now. I still have to defend it, and I expect my committee members will "recommend" some revisions. ("Recommend" meaning "require" in this case). But for now - Yipeeee!
I keep trying to figure out the dissertation equivalent of that "Rent" song: "Two hundred, sixty text-filled pages, that's how I measure, measure a dissertation." Maybe I'll add seven more pages, just so it fits in the song. Or I could cut three pages.
I finished the epilogue yesterday morning and immediately felt my life coming back. I took the afternoon and evening off - my first guilt-free afternoon and evening in 6 years. I even put off the laundry because it seemed like work. I made a huge dinner - herbed pork tenderloin, roasted horseradish potatoes, asparagus, a green salad with lemon vinegarette and french bread. I didn't burn anything or leave out any vitally important ingredients. I watched 2 movies - and followed the plots all the way through. OK, one was a Harry Potter movie, but hey, those can get really complex.
Today, I'm back at it. I have to write a lecture on reform movements in the antebellum period. It's a beautiful day outside. I think I'll go for a walk. The lecture will still be there when I get back.
Friday, March 14, 2008
My drum is warped
When I moved back to the southland last summer, I purchased a brand new washer and dryer. Gone were the twice-monthly trips to a friend's house to do my laundry. No more would I haul my laundry down three flights of stairs and then have to haul it back again. No more would I have to face the prospect of using the only "decent" laundromat in a town that requires a downward recalibration of all standards.
When the good folks from Lowe's delivered the appliances in the summer heat, they gasped as they reached my 3rd floor apartment. When one of them finally regained the ability to speak, he said, "What were you thinking?" I thought, "Well, I was thinking that at least I wouldn't have to carry my washer and dryer up 3 flights of stairs." I wisely decided to offer them some water for their trouble.
I was free from the burden of dreading laundry day. Now, I could wash clothes every day if I wanted to. All I had to do was walk 5 steps with my laundry basket and voila! Washer and dryer. Oh, the joy, the rapture! Since that first glorious week, all has been right on the laundry front - until about 2 months ago. One day, my dryer started to knock when I put in a heavy load (ie, towels and jeans). I decided to apply my "just ignore it and it will go away" strategy. I'm using the same strategy with my TV and getting similar results. The dryer knocking got worse, and the fuzziness on the TV is also not improving.
I consulted with a friend about both appliances and he reminded me of my saving grace for the dryer. A warranty. What a wonderful thing. I called Lowe's and sure enough, I have a warranty for an entire year. I described the problem and it's covered. Yay! Today, the repair guy came and diagonosed the problem: warped drum that has damaged the rollers and a pulley. Basically, they need to replace all of the insides of my dryer. UPS will deliver the parts to my house, and the repair guy will return next Friday to fix the dryer. I'm hoping that I'm not home when the UPS guy has to wrestle a dryer drum up 3 flights of stairs.
Next up: the TV. Unfortunately, it's way past its warranty, so I think the only solution is to purchase a new one. I really can't get a permanent job fast enough.
When the good folks from Lowe's delivered the appliances in the summer heat, they gasped as they reached my 3rd floor apartment. When one of them finally regained the ability to speak, he said, "What were you thinking?" I thought, "Well, I was thinking that at least I wouldn't have to carry my washer and dryer up 3 flights of stairs." I wisely decided to offer them some water for their trouble.
I was free from the burden of dreading laundry day. Now, I could wash clothes every day if I wanted to. All I had to do was walk 5 steps with my laundry basket and voila! Washer and dryer. Oh, the joy, the rapture! Since that first glorious week, all has been right on the laundry front - until about 2 months ago. One day, my dryer started to knock when I put in a heavy load (ie, towels and jeans). I decided to apply my "just ignore it and it will go away" strategy. I'm using the same strategy with my TV and getting similar results. The dryer knocking got worse, and the fuzziness on the TV is also not improving.
I consulted with a friend about both appliances and he reminded me of my saving grace for the dryer. A warranty. What a wonderful thing. I called Lowe's and sure enough, I have a warranty for an entire year. I described the problem and it's covered. Yay! Today, the repair guy came and diagonosed the problem: warped drum that has damaged the rollers and a pulley. Basically, they need to replace all of the insides of my dryer. UPS will deliver the parts to my house, and the repair guy will return next Friday to fix the dryer. I'm hoping that I'm not home when the UPS guy has to wrestle a dryer drum up 3 flights of stairs.
Next up: the TV. Unfortunately, it's way past its warranty, so I think the only solution is to purchase a new one. I really can't get a permanent job fast enough.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Channeling Ethel Merman
As I approach the end of this part of my long academic nightmare, I take a moment to reflect on my experience. I borrow from the immortal words of Ethel Merman:
There's No Business Like Academic Business
(sung to the tune of "There's No Business Like Show Business")
There's no business like academic business,
Like no business I know.
Everything about it is degrading
Everything the assholes will allow.
Nowhere could you have that stressed out feeling,
While you are treated like a cow (moooo)
There's no people like academic people,
They squash you when you are low.
Yesterday they told you you would not go far,
And damned if they weren't right, because here you are
The next day they got really mean and keyed your car
Let's go on with the show....
Nope, I'm not bitter.
There's No Business Like Academic Business
(sung to the tune of "There's No Business Like Show Business")
There's no business like academic business,
Like no business I know.
Everything about it is degrading
Everything the assholes will allow.
Nowhere could you have that stressed out feeling,
While you are treated like a cow (moooo)
There's no people like academic people,
They squash you when you are low.
Yesterday they told you you would not go far,
And damned if they weren't right, because here you are
The next day they got really mean and keyed your car
Let's go on with the show....
Nope, I'm not bitter.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Hotmail
Hotmail is down. I can log on, but then I get, "Internet Explorer cannot display this website." Well, I bet it can, it's just choosing not to. IE knows that I need to finish the draft of my dissertation by 8PM, so it is choosing to keep me from my email. Problem is, IE doesn't realize how distracted I am when I can't check email. I type a paragraph, and check to see if Hotmail is back. It's not. Back to the draft. One more paragraph, check again, still not up. This would go a lot easier on all of us if IE would just let me check email, instead of acting like it knows best.
Really doesn't help that I'm writing conclusions today. I hate, hate, hate conclusions. They're utterly pointless. If you've read 47 pages of chapter 4 and still don't know what it's about, you've got bigger problems than I can fix with a conclusion. (No, I'm not willing to consider that the comprehension problem might have something to do with my writing. It's clearly you, not me.)
So, in conclusion, let me just say that I hate conclusions and want to check email.
Really doesn't help that I'm writing conclusions today. I hate, hate, hate conclusions. They're utterly pointless. If you've read 47 pages of chapter 4 and still don't know what it's about, you've got bigger problems than I can fix with a conclusion. (No, I'm not willing to consider that the comprehension problem might have something to do with my writing. It's clearly you, not me.)
So, in conclusion, let me just say that I hate conclusions and want to check email.
Monday, March 3, 2008
Kerosene
"Don't put kerosene on your hair." This is the actual headline to "The People's Pharmacy" section of my local paper. Intrigued, I read further. Seems someone wrote in to take the columnists to task on their obvious oversight when advising readers about lice treatment. According to this genius, "Kerosene really works and works fast." With this treatment, "the child can return to school the next day."
I know what you're thinking, and the columnists are right on it. They state clearly and without hesitation, "Kerosene should not be used." They list a couple of good reasons, like absorbing toxins through your scalp is never a good idea and inhaling kerosene fumes isn't good for anyone. Then, they get to the one reason that any sane person would put at the top of the list: "A spark could trigger a horrendous accident, leading to severe burns or death."
I'm thinking that the letter writer probably read the columnists' response and thought, "Well, duh. I'm not going to light a match around my kid's kerosene soaked head. I'll be too busy holding him down with one hand as he tries to escape the burning pain searing through his scalp, while using the other hand to reach the volume knob on the stereo to turn up the Lynyrd Skynyrd so I can drown out his screams. Who'd have time for a cigarette?"
The columnists' don't offer any other remedies to avoid, but I'd like to take a moment to mention that gasoline, crude oil, fertilizer, and medical waste are also poor treatment options for lice infestations.
On a related note, I'm imagining that Mao Tse Tung and Vladimir Lenin were regulars at "The People's Pharmacy."
I know what you're thinking, and the columnists are right on it. They state clearly and without hesitation, "Kerosene should not be used." They list a couple of good reasons, like absorbing toxins through your scalp is never a good idea and inhaling kerosene fumes isn't good for anyone. Then, they get to the one reason that any sane person would put at the top of the list: "A spark could trigger a horrendous accident, leading to severe burns or death."
I'm thinking that the letter writer probably read the columnists' response and thought, "Well, duh. I'm not going to light a match around my kid's kerosene soaked head. I'll be too busy holding him down with one hand as he tries to escape the burning pain searing through his scalp, while using the other hand to reach the volume knob on the stereo to turn up the Lynyrd Skynyrd so I can drown out his screams. Who'd have time for a cigarette?"
The columnists' don't offer any other remedies to avoid, but I'd like to take a moment to mention that gasoline, crude oil, fertilizer, and medical waste are also poor treatment options for lice infestations.
On a related note, I'm imagining that Mao Tse Tung and Vladimir Lenin were regulars at "The People's Pharmacy."
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