Kerosene

"Don't put kerosene on your hair." This is the actual headline to "The People's Pharmacy" section of my local paper. Intrigued, I read further. Seems someone wrote in to take the columnists to task on their obvious oversight when advising readers about lice treatment. According to this genius, "Kerosene really works and works fast." With this treatment, "the child can return to school the next day."

I know what you're thinking, and the columnists are right on it. They state clearly and without hesitation, "Kerosene should not be used." They list a couple of good reasons, like absorbing toxins through your scalp is never a good idea and inhaling kerosene fumes isn't good for anyone. Then, they get to the one reason that any sane person would put at the top of the list: "A spark could trigger a horrendous accident, leading to severe burns or death."

I'm thinking that the letter writer probably read the columnists' response and thought, "Well, duh. I'm not going to light a match around my kid's kerosene soaked head. I'll be too busy holding him down with one hand as he tries to escape the burning pain searing through his scalp, while using the other hand to reach the volume knob on the stereo to turn up the Lynyrd Skynyrd so I can drown out his screams. Who'd have time for a cigarette?"

The columnists' don't offer any other remedies to avoid, but I'd like to take a moment to mention that gasoline, crude oil, fertilizer, and medical waste are also poor treatment options for lice infestations.

On a related note, I'm imagining that Mao Tse Tung and Vladimir Lenin were regulars at "The People's Pharmacy."