Having an Apartment Complex

Today, I received the monthly newsletter from my leasing office. I live in a corporate-owned apartment complex, so much of the newsletter is generic filler. This month, my corporate slumlords passed on a recipe for Microwave White Chicken Chili, offered advice on reducing credit card debt, and reminded me that January 28 is "National Write to Congress Day." All useful information. The column about snow is less useful, particularly since it was 60 some-odd degrees today.

The monthly newsletter usually finds itself on the fast track to the recycling bin. Today, as I prepared to be environmentally responsible, two colored sheets drifted to the floor. I picked them up and read two very important announcements from the bitter, humorless leasing agents.


This month, the Little Leasing Dictators (LLDs) alerted us to "damage to the main gate during the holiday break." I should back up a bit and explain that the apartment complex prides itself on perceived exclusivity. Yes, we have a gate, and yes, you need a special card to gain entry into the enclave. But, there's no fence. Just to review: Gate? Yes. Fence? No. In case you're wondering, I do pay extra for this service.

Anyway, at some point during the holidays, someone got really annoyed with the gate and rammed it. Rammed it hard enough to break the little motor and leave half of the gate hanging at a terribly depressing angle. I'm not sure when it happened. All I know is that there is a little piece of crime-scene tape still dangling from the privacy-not-security gate.

So, the LLDs want us all to know that "the damage was so severe, that we are having to have extensive repairs done. This may take a little bit of time." They "apologize for the inconvenience" and ask for our patience. Yeah, I'm torn up about being able to drive on to the property without having to stop and press my magic card to the metal plate.

In other apartment news, "There is a serious problem with pet owners being irresponsible!" Serious enough to warrant an exclamation point! Apparently, the LLDs "are seeing more and more pet waste left on the grounds" and they ain't happy. Not happy at all. In this full-page reminder, they inform pet-owners and non-pet-owners alike that "cleaning up after your pet is easy and REQUIRED." (Emphasis in original). They're not taking any more crap from you, or your little dog.

I can just imagine the discussion at the monthly leasing office staff meeting:
Groundskeeper #1: Man, I saw 4 huge mounds of pet waste today.
Groundskeeper #2 (no pun intended): Oh yeah, well, I saw 6 mounds, and one was still warm.
Brown-nosing LLD intern: Gosh, what can we do to address this problem of critical importance?
Head LLD: I know! I'm going to fire off one of my flyers on bright orange paper with BOLD CAPITAL LETTERS and exclamation points!! That's sure to fix this problem!
Brown-nosing LLD intern: You're so smart. I can't wait until I can send out orange flyers with exclamation points!
Slacker LLD intern: I can't believe we're spending all this time talking about dog crap.

So, the Head LLD went to her computer and composed the flyer. Not content to merely remind pet owners that cleaning up is REQUIRED, she added the following: "Pet owners - We have seen the culprits that are not cleaning up after their dogs. We are watching to see if you CLEAN UP your act."

Good to see my rent money going to good use. Apparently, I'm paying people to watch dogs relieve themselves. I wonder if everyone on staff is required to perform this duty (or "doody"), or if one fellow literally got the shit end of the stick. Wonder if they've designated one of their golf carts for the Poopy Patrol. The groundskeeper drives around all day in the now-brown cart, waiting for pet owners to bring their dogs outside. Then, he screeches to a stop, disembarks, and watches. I believe the dog might be thinking, "Dude, I don't need an audience." What's next? The groundskeepers start sending samples to the College Town Crime Lab for definitive identification?

Wonder if the groundskeepers get into arguments about particular evidence:
Groundskeeper #1: "Oh yeah, that's from the golden retriever in Apt A."
Groundskeeper #2: "Dude, you're crazy. That's not from a golden retriever. That's from that schnauzer in Apt B."
Groundskeeper #1: "Schnauzer, my Aunt Fannie. The only way that came from a schauzer is if that schnauzer was a golden retriever."
[If they have these conversations, I might recommend that they seek other employment.]

The flyer concludes: REMEMBER: IF YOU DO NOT CLEAN UP AFTER YOUR PET, YOU WILL LOOSE THE PRIVILEGE OF HAVING A PET AT [name withheld to protect the innocent] APARTMENTS."

I certainly wouldn't want to "loose" the privilege of having a pet. Wouldn't want poor Fido to be evicted.