Aliens

Fair warning - this blog entry contains spoilers for "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull." I figure I'm one of the last people on the planet to see the movie, so I don't feel bad spoiling it for those who haven't seen it. In fact, I'd argue that Steven Spielberg and George Lucas spoiled it for those of us who have seen it.


So - it's Indiana Jones's last hoorah (let's hope). He's kidnapped by Russians, not Nazis, and taken to a military warehouse to help the aforementioned Russians locate a box. Nope, not the ark of the covenant. We've already seen that movie. No, these Russians are looking for something else. Something that landed in Roswell, New Mexico. Yep, these Russians came all the way to the United States to steal an alien. That's the first 10 minutes of the movie. I should have stopped there.

Aliens. Twenty years after the last Indiana Jones movie and this is what Spielberg and Lucas cooked up. Aliens. Seriously. Aliens. I can't seem to get over it.

But, the extended-skulled crystal-headed aliens with big bug eyes aren't the whole story. Turns out these aliens created an ancient civilization in Peru. At one point in the movie, Indiana Jones interprets cave drawings and determines that ancient peoples learned irrigation techniques and architecture from - wait for it - aliens. As a historian, I'm offended. As a moviegoer, I'm speechless.

Aliens.

I kept watching. I thought, "OK, the story is really, really unbelievably stupid, but maybe the stunts will save the movie." I was wrong. I understand that these movies require a certain suspension of reality, and I understand that I'm not good at that. But, c'mon - if Indiana Jones was at ground zero for a nuclear blast, then bounced to hell and back in a refridgerator, he'd be dead. He wouldn't get out of the fridge because fridges didn't have safety latches in the 1950s. So, he'd suffocate, but only after he broke every bone in his body. He'd be dead.

A few more observations - People don't learn to swing on vines by watching monkeys. Men who get hit in the crotch repeatedly do not continue fighting with swords. Based on my observations, they fall on the ground and squeal like little girls. Not in this movie. Nope. Shia Lebeouf (Shia The Beef, en francais) apparently remembered to wear his jeans with the iron crotch - just in case he got in a sword fight with Cate Blanchett. And speaking of Ms. Blanchett ...

What the hell is Cate Blanchett doing in this movie?? And why is she wearing a black wig? And why, in the name of all that is holy, does she talk with such an outrrraggeous accent? She played a Russian in "The Man Who Cried" - and I think Johnny Depp cried because her accent was so bad. And, why . . . why would a special agent in the 1950s Russian military carry a sword? Cate Blanchett didn't carry a sword in Lord of the Rings, and everyone had a sword in that movie. Ugh. I'm so disappointed.

I watched the DVD Extras to give Spielberg and Lucas a chance to explain themselves. Speilberg turned into rubber and blamed the glue - in this case Lucas and Harrison Ford. Seems the aliens were Lucas's idea. And Lucas was careful to say that his aliens aren't extraterrestrial. They're interdimensional. Whatever, George. You're extra- and inter-delusional. It will be a very cold day in Georgia before I watch a Speilberg or Lucas movie made after 1995.

Aliens. Seriously.