Pole Positions

Amidst all the talk of political polls these days, it was refreshing to see two stories about actual poles in yesterday's paper. The first story told of the failed attempt to erect a flagpole in a neighboring county. In what has to be the greatest pissing contest of all time, the US Armed Forces Tribute Foundation wanted to construct a flagpole that would "pierce the sky 40 yards higher than the current tallest freestanding flagpole in Jordan, which reaches 430 feet."

The flagpole would serve as "the centerpiece in a proposed $1.5 million park honoring US military veterans." For what better way to honor veterans than to erect a 550 foot phallic symbol so far off the beaten path that no one will ever find it? The article reports that the group only raised $6800 of the necessary $1.5 million. Too bad none of them own a cornfield in Iowa, because I've heard that if you erect a 550-foot flagpole in Iowa, they will come.

What's that? You don't think a 550-foot flagpole is ludicrous? Consider these facts from the article: To ensure that the pole won't sway like a sapling in the wind, one manufacturer estimated that it would need to be 9 feet thick at the base, tapering to 2 feet thick at the top. Apparently, height matters, but sturdiness matters more. Nothing more disappointing than a 550 foot pole that bends in a stiff breeze.

In a fantastic show of self-confidence, "a beacon [at the top of the flagpole] would warn off airplanes." That's right. The pole would be so tall that aircraft might run into it. Just as a point of reference, the mighty redwoods in California "can reach 200 feet tall." The capitol dome in Washington, DC? 287 feet. Statue of Liberty, ground to tip of torch? 305 feet. Big Ben clock tower in London? 315 feet tall. So, add a redwood to the top of Big Ben and you'll almost reach the height of this proposed flagpole. The article explains that a "huge US flag would flutter above." I'm thinking you'd need a flag the size of Utah if you want to see it from the ground. If you're in a plane, however, you could see the flag up close and personal.

Undaunted, organizers are taking their slightly scaled down proposal to a neighboring state. I'm sure we'll all anxiously await updates on this story.

In other pole-related news, seems pole dancing is all the rage in exercise circles these days. That's right. Stipper poles aren't just for gentleman's clubs anymore. According to the article in yesterday's paper, more and more people, including Oprah, are installing the poles in their homes "as a way to get Madonna arms and Britney Spears abdominals while enhancing their sensuality." Go ahead. Just try to get the mental image of Oprah swinging around a stripper pole out of your head.

According to one woman, she installed a pole so she could exercise in the privacy of her own home. She didn't want to join a gym or run through her neighborhood. So, clearly, her only other option was to install a stripper pole "atop a small stage" in her basement.

Another woman also touts the benefits of an in-home stripper pole. She says, "You drop in a load of laundry, you take a spin. You cook dinner, you take another spin...It's just like a little playground for women." Here's the thing. I know what I typically wear when I'm doing laundry or cooking dinner. I'm not necessarily a slouch, but I'm thinking that a stripper pole probably loses some of its appeal if the person swinging on it is wearing baggy sweats, no make-up, and has her hair tied back in a pony-tail.

In the end, I think this might be taking feminism a bit too far. Personally, I think it's OK if we don't reclaim all of the tools of our oppression. Perhaps our time would be better spent trying to free ourselves from oppressive laundry and cooking.