Exploding food

The other day, I read the paper while having lunch. It's my daily routine. I read the local and national news thoroughly, paying particular attention to the Blotter, skip the sports section where columnists alternately celebrate football triumphs or disect recent losses, and finally turn my attention to the living section, where I find out about all the events I'm not attending, all the books I'm not reading and all the movies I'm not watching. After checking in with my horoscope to make sure I can safely leave the house, I close the paper.

I followed this protocol the other day, sure that there was nothing blog-worthy in the paper. I turned the last page of the living section and there it was: a full-page advertisement for organic, non-medicinal, herbal remedies. The reason I paid any attention at all was the headline, "Foods That EXPLODE in Your Bowel!" Needless to say, I was intrigued.

Despite the full-page ad, Frank K. Wood refused to tell me which foods might blow a hole in the side of my bowels. Instead, he offered a page-long list of other things that I'd never considered but am now really concerned about. If I want answers, I have to buy Wood's book, The Complete Guide to Digestive Health, for $9.99.

According to Frank, I'll be amazed by how many inexpensive, easy, natural cures I'll find all around me - in my pantry, garden, garage, and grocery store. He lost me at "garage." Garages are for cars, car-related products, and cover bands. Forget it, Frank, I'll take my chances. (I bet it's beans and peppers that cause bowel explosions. Those are evil foods that should not be consumed under any circumstances.)

Here are some of the things that Frank would like to enthusiastically tell you about:

• Two-cent colon cleanser! [That's really adding your 2 cents. Let's hope it's not 2 actual cents because that just sounds painful.]
• Belching and bloating - they could be warning signs of up to 7 hidden health problems. [Yes, but they also make you really popular at frat houses, or so I've heard.]
• Irritable bowel syndrome? Check here for another common disorder that could be your real problem. [Let's hope the "real problem" has a better name. I've had to deal with irritable people, but an irritable bowel sounds worse. Me: "Please digest my food." Irritable bowel: "No, go away, leave me alone. I'll do it when I feel like it."]
• How to prevent the embarassment of a leaky bladder! [I don't understand Frank's enthusiasm about this, but more power to him.]
• Eyes bigger than your stomach? Find relief with this herb after overeating. [But, by all means, keep overeating.]
• When eating bananas could be deadly! [I don't know, when you're hanging upside down in a burning building? When someone is holding a gun to your head and says, "If you eat that banana, I'll blow your head off?"]
• Bowels too sluggish...or too speedy? Either way, this super fruit may help. [OK, the obvious joke would be something to do with Richard Simmons. Instead, I'll just ask how a single fruit can help with both problems at the same time? Isn't the solution to one problem the cause of the next?]
• Sleep on this side to reduce acid reflux. [Well, it seems like you could figure this out on your own, without Frank's intervention. Sleep on one side, then the other. Evaluate results.]
• Cigarettes are bad for lungs...but harm stomachs, too. [So stop eating your cigarettes!]

There are some days when I'm not as enthusiastic about my chosen profession. Thanks to Frank, I love my work. At least I don't spend my days testing garage remedies for constipation, irritable bowels, leaky bladders, and belching. I feel certain that Frank is bringing joy and comfort to many people the world over. I also feel certain that I don't want to sit next to him at a dinner party.