Fox News Flash

Today, I went to the gym. Again, I had my headphones in, but was forced to watch the bank of TVs in front of the phalanx of treadmills. I had a choice: I could watch barely-clad women shaking everything they had within an inch of their lives in what passes for music videos these days (oh, how I yearn for the days of yesteryear when people actually wore clothes in music videos) or I could watch Fox News. It wasn't really a choice at all.

My headphones spared me the audio assault from these two sources. However, with the Fox TV on "mute," I had to see the close-captioning. I couldn't read it because I don't wear my glasses at the gym, but I still had to see it. So, I could follow along, despite my overwhelming desire not to.

Here's what passed for news this afternoon:

Former Senator Bob Kerry did not insult Barack Obama. Seems he made some comments that "someone" (Fox News) might have taken the wrong way (and reported as fact), so Kerry wrote a letter to Obama, apologizing for the non-insult. This non-news warranted a panel discussion on Fox News. Again, no glasses and no audio meant I couldn't follow what in the world these people found to debate, but it seemed to get pretty heated. I imagined that they were debating whether Kerry intended the insult, whether Hilary Clinton was somehow behind all of this (because we all know that she's the source of all evil, according to Fox News), and whether Obama should accept Kerry's apology. I would imagine that not once did any of these people consider that maybe, just maybe, they were wasting everyone's time.

Next news flash: Mike Huckabee will not condemn Britney's Spears's 16 year-old pregnant sister. I'm not kidding, this "news" warranted a "This Just In" flag on Fox News. Seems someone (Fox News) thought we'd all give a rat's ass about Mike Huckabee's opinion on this subject. I have to say that I'm terribly disappointed to learn that Mike Huckabee even knew who Jamie-Lynn Spears is. Hell, I'm disappointed that I know who she is. Seems Huckabee thinks Spears the Younger made the right decision to keep her unborn baby and he won't condemn her. Very big of you, Mike. I'm sure she'll sleep better knowing that.

Let's all just take a step back for a minute and remember that despite what Big Sis does or does not wear when she's in public, Jamie-Lynn Spears is 16 years old. She is one of too many teenage girls who get pregnant every year in this country. Her condemnation is not a campaign issue. The campaign issue is: What does Mike Huckabee propose to do to help pregnant teenage girls who don't have famous big sisters with truckloads of cash? What does he plan to do to help families whose implosions aren't captured by the paparazzi? What realistic plan does he propose to prevent teenage pregnancy? If candidates can't address the real issues, and if the media can't ask the real questions, clearly we just need to stop all political campaigning because clearly it's an enormous waste of time and money.

And finally, in yet another "not" news story: MLB baseball pitcher, Roger Clemens says he did not, and has never, used steroids. Ever the diligent media machine, Fox News didn't take him at his word. No, no, no. Instead, they posted 2 pictures of Clemens, one where his face looked slightly puffier than in the other. I guess I was supposed to conclude that Mr. Clemens is a big fat-faced liar. Here's the thing - Whether he did or didn't, how's he supposed to prove that he didn't take steroids years ago?

So, to Fox, I say, "News? Not!"