Minivans

Lately, my head has been full of cotton. No, not stuffy sinus problems. Sleepy, tired, lethargic brain problems. I've pushed myself to get some work done, but it's slow going. My brain is no fool. It knows that I'm "on break." It steadfastly refuses to engage in anything that remotely smacks of work. After fighting the good fight, and losing the good fight all morning, I gave up and went shopping for my nephew's birthday present.

I ended up at the Red Dot Boutique. Miracle of miracles, I wasn't there with all of humanity and actually found a parking space that was less than a 10-minute walk from the front door. Reveling in my good fortune, I made my way to the door. As I walked through the parking lot, I glanced over and saw a woman buckling into her minivan. I didn't pay anymore attention to her or her freak of automotive nature until I noticed that the van was getting closer - and it wasn't because I was moving toward it.

I did what anyone would do with a green behemoth bearing down on them. OK, to be honest, I did what no one else would do in this situation. I emitted a muffled squeal and jumped about 3 inches forward. I looked to my left and noticed that the van was still reversing straight toward me. Not only had I had failed to stop the van, I also failed to get out of its path. In fact, I was even further into the path. Cat-like? Decidedly not. My inaudible squeal and half step forward could not have been less effective. Doing nothing would have rendered a better result. Falling down would have been more effective. At least then, I'd be lower than the vehicle and could potentially miss the tires. Instead, I remained smack in the path of the dreaded minivan.

I kept thinking, "I'm sure she sees me. Surely she sees me." All evidence pointed to the fact that she didn't see me - or that the driver is a homicidal minivan-driving maniac who enjoys running down small-ish pedestrians in big box store parking lots. Whatever the truth, the van kept bearing down on me, no brake lights in sight. Let's quickly review my options - Did I bang on back of the van? No. Did I yell to get the driver's attention? No. Did I step backwards to get out of the way? No. What did I do? Well, I did a little skippity skip jump until I'd cleared the van's back bumper. Catlike? Decidedly not. Cool? Decidedly not. Awkward and ridiculous? Absolutely.

Once I was out of harm's way, I glared at the van. Not at the driver. The van. Again, very effective strategy. I really showed that van who was boss. I'm sure that van won't be backing into people anytime soon.

Once again, I am reminded that minivans are the source of all evil. And once again, I am reminded that I am useless in an emergency. I did manage to find my nephew's birthday present though. I hope he appreciates that I risked my life so that he could have some new clothes. Something tells me that he'd appreciate it more if I'd risked my life for Thomas. Clothes, meh. Trains - now there's a reason to throw yourself in back of a moving minivan.