Tough Times Everywhere

As I made my way to the grocery store today, a sign caught my eye:

That's right - times are so tough that now you can take advantage of a two-for-one special here:

In these troubled economic times, the memorial garden has turned to "buy one, get one free" to try to move its merchandise. So, if you're looking for a deal on your final resting place - and want to make sure that at least one loved one will be there with you - look no further. And move fast, because it's a limited time offer.

While this selling approach ruffles my sensibilities, I applaud the garden's restraint. Think about it - in this age of product placement and advertising on steroids, there's no end to what these folks could have done. For example, you're out buying some planting soil and you see a sign, "You're planting daisies now, but one day, you'll be pushing up those flowers. Evergreen Memorial Gardens can make sure that you aren't pushing alone." Or the memorial garden could dress their newest employee in a Grim Reaper costume and have that unfortunate soul wave at potential customers as they drive by. The cemetary is on a busy thoroughfare. People are sure to take note of a waving Grim Reaper sandwiched between the liquor store and Cap'n D's.

Or, the good folks at Evergreen Memorial Gardens could adopt the upstate New York approach to selling "grave space." Let me set the scene: I'm sitting in my living room, enjoying a relaxing evening of TV and a glass of wine. The phone rings. "Hello," I say. "Good evening. I was calling to see if you would be interested in buying a funeral plot at [insert name of cemetary]," says the voice on the other end of the phone. This happened to me approximately 3 times in my 6 years in the northeastern post-industrial wasteland.

Every time, I had the same response. First, I would swear that I heard creepy organ music and wonder if the person on the other end of the line knew something that I didn't. Then, I'd start laughing. Uncontrollably. I mean, c'mon, what else are you going to do when someone cold calls you and asks if you want a burial plot? Each time, I would try to find a nice way to a) stop laughing, and b) explain that I didn't want to be in alive in the NEPIW, so I sure didn't want to spend all of eternity there. Then, I'd hang up with a new determination to get the hell out of the NEPIW. And I'd nervously peek through the peephole to make sure that the Grim Reaper was not standing on my doorstep.