Blotter

One of my favorite activities is reading the local paper. I don't mind admitting that the local paper is one of the main reasons why I moved back here. I love the local paper, especially the Blotter and the Editorial Page. There, amidst the news of the day, you're sure to find a little nugget, a little snippet so unexpected that you'll have to read it twice, maybe three times.

For example, in today's blotter, police responded to a burglary in progress at a house under renovation near the university. When police got there, they easily found 3 students hiding inside. Apparently, the students were not very good at hiding. Maybe they were hindered by the fact that they'd been drinking and it was 3AM. As police hauled them out of their "hiding" places, the students assured police that they weren't burglarizing the house. No, they were just curious about the renovation. That's right, of all the possible explanations for their behavior, these geniuses went with "curious about the renovation." They were so curious that they decided to down a few cold ones and go check it out - at 3AM. Our crack police force didn't fall for it and charged them with prowling and loitering.

But, in what easily qualifies as my favorite blotter entry of all time, police stopped a 21 year old man because he was driving erratically at 2AM. The man, "whose breath smelled of alcohol," offered the officers $800 to let him go immediately. The officers declined and arrested him instead. As they drove him to the police station, "the officer saw the man reaching into the back of his pants and putting something into his mouth." Naturally, the officer asked what the man was doing. And here's his response, exactly as reported in the blotter. "The man said he was eating feces to foil a DUI breath test." Turns out, police found residue of a pill in the man's mouth.

While the story is easily strong enough to stand on its own, I know there's a punchline in there somewhere. So far, I've come up with, "Gee, I've heard of shit for brains, but never heard of shit for breath." Or, "That's certainly a new twist on 'potty mouth.'" Or, "Guess he was just talking shit."

I don't know who writes the Blotter, but they're not paying him or her nearly enough.