Kids' Toys

The following is a tale of one aunt's devotion to her nieces and nephew. It is not for the faint of heart or the weak of spirit.

Last month, I shopped for my nephew's birthday present. He turned 2 years old. Because I lived in a northeastern post-industrial wasteland, my toy store options were extremely limited. I started my quest at Target where I encountered the worst selection of toys ever. All I wanted was a truck or a ball - the 2 things that my nephew is "into" these days. All the trucks lit up, drove on their own, mowed down everything in their paths, and growled. None were appropriate for 2 year olds. My nephew will have to wait another year before he can try to remotely control a rampaging battery-powered death machine.

So, I went to Toys R Us. I hate Toys R Us. I always feel like a rat in a maze, a comercially-driven toy-filled maze. I found the trucks and chose one of the dump variety, one that did not need batteries and seemed solid enough to survive a two year old boy's destructive tendencies. Then, I went in search of little gifts for my nieces.

Little girls' toys are terribly disturbing. One niece is "into" Barbies. After walking down the Barbie aisle, I decided that she'll have to learn to live with disappointment. It was the pregnant Barbie that really did me in. Not kidding. Pregnant Barbie wears a short mini-dress and holds an infant. I was unclear whether Barbie had pulled a Britney Spears and was having 2 kids in one year, or if you were supposed to put the infant under her minidress so she could give birth. Either way, very disturbing. Then, there were all the other Barbies - stay at home Barbie, Domestic Goddess Barbie, Fashion Barbie - in skimpy attire, all ready for the red carpet, because apparently this is a worthwhile life ambition these days. I blame Paris Hilton, for this and any number of other things.

My brother and sister-in-law strictly forbid me from buying toys that make noise. Who can blame them, after the Chicken Dance Elmo and Hokey Pokey Elmo Christmas a couple of years ago. I'm surprised they'll still let me in their house with wrapped packages. Anyway, I broke this cardinal rule and got Disney princess toy cell phones for the girls and fled that part of the store.

On my way out, I spotted a Mega Blocks Pirate Ship. It plays pirate songs and makes ocean noises. Guess what my nephew go for his birthday. No trucks for him, it's pirates, baby! Jack Sparrow and Will Turner not included. I checked.

The pirate ship was big. Big enough that I had to use an entire roll of wrapping paper and go through 3 different boxes and several kinds of packing material before I had it ready to ship. The box barely fit in my little Honda. I manhandled the thing into the post office, stood in a long line, and finally got to the counter where I learned that because the box was so big, I had to pay a surcharge. Grand total for shipping was more than half of what I paid for the gift. Grand total with wrapping paper and card, as much as the gift. The look on my face - priceless.

From now on, I'm using Amazon for all toy purchases.