Boycott Charmin

Last night, I'd settled in to watch "Two and a Half Men." Yes, I know it's mindless, and yes, I know that most of the jokes are crass and rude. I still think it's funny. One word: Ducky. Anyone who has seen Pretty in Pink knows what I'm talking about.

I made it to the first commercial break and prepared to channel surf when I heard the Hallelujah Chorus. I decided to see which multinational, money-grubbing, capitalist corporation decided to defame Handel's masterpiece. I expected a ridicuously early Christmas commercial. What I got were 2 animated bears, one red and one blue, running down a beach. Apparently, the bears needed to find a stairmaster, because their flabby backsides bounced up and down with each step. I think it was supposed to be cute. It wasn't, not while I was listening to the Hallelujah Chorus.

The bears broke into smiles of relief as they spied their destination - 2 port-a-pots, one red and one blue. They ran over, threw open the doors, and reached a state of ecstasy as they discovered entire packages of Charmin inside. Rather than actually use the port-a-pots, they danced on the beach, caressing the Charmin. The Hallelujah Chorus continued.

I sat with mouth agape. Then, I started saying, "Oh my God!" and found that I couldn't stop. For a full minute, I continued to express my utter disbelief. This had to be the most egregious misuse of sacred music in the history of egregious misuses of sacred music. Yes, the Hallelujah Chorus is a song of celebration, but it's not about Mary and Joseph finding a port-a-pot at the end of their long journey to Bethlehem. And, yes, Mary did ride on an ass to Bethlehem. So I suppose in a roundabout way, the Hallelujah Chorus is about an ass, but it's not about Mary's fat ass. There are actual other words in the Hallelujah Chorus, none of which relate to port-a-pots, toilet paper, or animated bears. For example, Handel wrote, "For the Lord God Omnipotent reigneth." Not, "For the Lord God Omnipotent gave us a port-a-pot." Not to mention, "And He shall reign forever and ever." Again, not, "And we shall wipe with the softest, most absorbant tissue forever and ever." Wrong on so many levels.

I called a friend to tell her of the travesty I'd just witnessed. She confirmed that the Charmin bears, the "shit bears" as she called them, were neither cute nor effective sales mascots. She was already one step ahead of me, having boycotted Charmin after the commercial where little bits of animated toilet paper get stuck to an animated bear's animated ass. (I have not seen that one, by the way. Not watching TV has its advantages.)

This is a perfect example of the devious nature of animation. When things are animated, we're supposed to automatically think they're cute, even if they're defaming sacred music by associating it with a necessary, yet disgusting, everyday activity. I don't care if there are fat red and blue bears running down a beach, I don't want to think about wiping my ass when I hear the Hallelujah Chorus. Is nothing sacred anymore?

Don't even get me started on the feminine product commercial where 2 women prepare for a surprise party by crouching behind a couch. When the birthday girl walks in, they jump up and yell, "Surprise!" while the voice-over announcer says something like, "Don't you wish you could count on your feminine protection all the time?" Eww.

Or the commercial for some bladder control medication, where some unsuspecting , weak bladdered woman walks into a surprise party at work and apparently doesn't lose control of her bodily functions. This remarkable achievement prompts one of her co-workers to remark, "You look fantastic!"

Lesson here: Don't have surprise parties because they may result in unintended and disgusting outcomes. And don't use animation and sacred music to thinly veil a disgusting topic. I'll admit that Charmin's advertising company has a tough task. They're not selling candy or coffee, after all. But, c'mon, they are selling a product that is absolutely necessary and I believe would sell itself, with or without advertising.

One last thing: Whatever happened to Mr. Whipple? OK, he was a little creepy because he hung out in supermarkets squeezing toilet paper, but no more creepy than 2 fat animated bears running toward port-a-pots on the beach.