Waxing Philosophical

As I approach the end of my dissertation, I'm forced to confront the reality of the academic job search. I know there are plenty of people out there who believe that I have made a career of purposely avoiding permanent employment. They probably believe this because I've said as much. But, as I approach the midpoint of my life and still live in an apartment, the thought of gainful stable employment does not seem so nauseating.

So, I'm jumping through hoops. I'm writing cover letters where I humbly brag about my accomplishments and magically turn shortcomings into "areas for improvement." I'm also preparing a teaching philosophy, where I explain what I believe about teaching and why. A friend of mine and I have decided that this is an exercise in proving you can sound like a complete tool. So far, I'm failing miserably (something I am particularly proud of.) As I stare at the blank computer screen, all I can think is: "I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way. Show them all the beauty they possess inside, give them a sense of pride to make it easier. Let the children's laughter remind us how it used to be." I just don't think this is helpful.

Luckily, I'm not left to my own devices. Like in any profession, there are plenty of people who stick their noses firmly in the conceptual treebark of teaching and learning and then offer advice to the rest of us who actually teach and learn. Because I've hit a brick wall, I turned to some of these experts for guidance.

Many experts pose "helpful questions." These include:

• What are your objectives?
• What methods do you use?
• How do you assess and evaluate your effectiveness?
• Why is teaching important to you?

All fine questions. All questions that I should be able to answer. Should be able to answer. So far, all I hear is Whitney Houston, which really only answers the last question.

So, I dug a little further. I am a researcher, after all. If I just keep digging, I'll eventually find the answer. I printed some advice from a university website. They cite AF Grasha, who suggests using metaphors to describe your teaching philosophy. For example, you could compare teaching to being a:

• Coach
• Gardener
• Director of a play
• General leading troops into battle
• Midwife
• Swiss army knife
• Evangelist
• Rabbi
• Entertainer
• Choreographer
• Tour bus driver with passengers who keep their window curtain closed

I'm sorely tempted to compare my teaching style to midwifery. Something like: "I put the class at ease, reminding them that this a natural process that students have gone through for centuries. As they begin to experience the pains of learning, I offer gentle and soothing encouragement until finally, a beautiful new paper is delivered. After cleaning the muck off the paper, I then evaluate it, offering advice on how to do better the next time."

I won't even attempt the swiss army knife or tour bus driver. I just don't think that would be a good use of my time. After all, I have a Whitney Houston song that I need to exercise from my memory.