Feminine Again

This week, I received an unsolicited publication in my mailbox. It came addressed to a previous occupant and rather than forward the publication, I brought it to my apartment. It's called Jezebel, a magazine about "Atlanta luxury living." I had no idea there was luxury living in Atlanta, much less an entire magazine devoted to it. So, with some interest, I flipped through the pages.

According to the magazine's tag line, it covers "homes, cars, fashion, celebs, travel, and culture." All the things that you'd expect in luxurious living. I glanced at pictures of the 20 most eligible men and women in Atlanta (lots of white teeth and big boobs), I learned about the newly renovated Rays on the River, and I read through all the upcoming events that I wasn't planning to attend. None of these features came as a surprise.

What did come as a bit of a surprise was an ad for "Vaginal Rejuvenation and Cosmetic Surgery." I wondered where this fit in "luxury living." The ad offered to help me "feel feminine again" and to "enhance the appearance of [my] female genital area to its more youthful state." I could accomplish this through the miracle of some really unpleasant-sounding surgical procedures. Now, not only do I have to worry about the rapidly aging parts of me that are regularly visible to the general public, I also have to think about the cosmetic appearance of my nether-regions? Fan-damn-tastic.

The ad raised questions that I can honestly say that I've never considered. For example, "Do you have feelings of embarrassment about the appearance of your genitalia?" Well, no, but now I wonder if I should. Who would I ask, other than these doctors? I mean, seriously, that's a tough question to ask someone. I'm not even sure how you'd lead into it. "So, speaking of the drought, do you think my genitalia are funny looking?" See what I mean.

But, the good Doctors Miklos and Moore (more what? ha ha ha) will solve all my "south of the border" troubles. They offer such things as vaginal rejuvenation. I didn't even know it was burned out. And, in what has to be the worst euphemism of all time, they'll fix vaginal relaxation, a condition usually caused by childbirth. Admittedly, I haven't given birth to any children, but from what I understand, it's anything but relaxing. And, honestly, I think after something like that, my vagina would have every reason to take it easy for a while. Wonder what they would do to tense it back up. Give it a really hard test? Make it go on a blind date? Force it to navigate through Friday afternoon rush hour traffic?

Among many other procedures, the good doctors can enhance my g-spot. Finally, something that sounds interesting. The most puzzling procedure is something called uterine suspension. Suspended where? How? And why? Did it throw spitballs in the cafeteria? Did it pull someone's hair? Oh, and they also offer uterine preservation - so all your future generations can marvel at your uterus, I suppose. As your children's children's children walk down memory lane, looking at old photographs, school awards, and sports trophies, they can also gaze upon your uterus, perfectly preserved in its "youthful state."

If you want more information about all of this, check out http://www.anewvagina.com/. No, I'm not making that up. If this is what it takes to live in the lap of luxury, I'll stay right where I am.