Little Jackass at the Gym

Today, I went to the gym. As I expected, it was quiet. It's a beautiful fall Saturday and as if that's not enough to keep everyone out of the gym, it's also Georgia-Florida game day. All around town, the fans who didn't make the pilgrimage to Jacksonville crowded into grocery stores to buy chips, dip, beer and other game day accoutrements. So, the gym was quiet.

I walked around the enormous bulldog and made my way to the back of the gym. Words can't express how happy I was to see only 2 other women on the elliptical machines, and neither were anywhere near my favorite machine in the back row. I climbed aboard, revved up the iPod, turned on the Kentucky-Mississippi State game and started pedaling.

As I reached the 10 minute mark, I noticed a short young man getting on to a machine down the row. By this time, the other women had finished their work-outs and moved on. He and I were the only ones on the machines. At about the 17 minute mark, I saw movement out of the corner of my eye. The little boy was hooking his headphones to the machine right next to mine. I didn't even try to hide the "you've got to be shitting me" look on my face. Twenty-nine empty machines and he chooses the one right next to me. I entertained the thought of moving, but then firmed up my resolve to stay right where I was. This little jackass was not going to chase me away.

I managed to tune him out until he got out his cell phone. I watched with some amusement as he contorted himself to brace the phone between his ear and shoulder while still hanging on to the arm bars. Oh yeah, he was getting a really good workout. When his whiny little voice interfered with my music, I made no effort to hide the clear annoyance etched on my face. I reached for my iPod and very obviously adjusted the volume. I silently wished that I could control the gym's PA system, so I could force the little jackass to listen to my music - I believe I was listening to 70s Elvis at the time. Then, I spent some time trying to figure out if there was some way that I could stink and sweat in his general direction. I momentarily considered flinging my sopping hair, but decorum got the better of me.

I finished my hour on the machine and dismounted on his side. By this time, he'd put down the phone and moved on to another surefire way to annoy everyone. He laughed out loud, amused by the misfortunes of two ne'er do wells on "Cops." With quiet dignity, I wiped off my machine and turned to leave. With quiet dignity, I released some compressed air in his general direction. With quiet dignity, I smiled and kept walking.