Fleeing Celebrities!

I hate CNN. I think the entire network is made up of mongers: fear, gossip, anything but the truth. Anderson Cooper, "The Silver Surfer of Cable News," is their only saving grace. When I go to the gym in the middle of the afternoon, I inevitably turn the TV to the Crap News Network just to have something to look at. I listen to my iPod while pictures flash in front of my eyes. Today, the California fires monopolized coverage. Finally, CNN could turn their glaring, prying spotlight away from Britney Spears and report on something that actually is real news. Wildfires raging across acres and acres of beautiful mountains, racing to the sea like the 49ers of old. "California Burning" CNN uncreatively dubbed their coverage.

As in any disaster, there are many angles to the story. There's the government angle, so today we saw Arnold and GW, both patting each other on the back and stating the obvious. According to the CNN headline, Bush said, "It's a sad situation." Now that's leadership, folks. I don't care what you say.

Then, there's the human interest angle, so reporters and their trusty sidekick camera operators follow the hapless as they return to the burned shells that used to be their mountain homes. On ABC News, Charlie Gibson even helped a woman pack up her valuables so she could take them with her, while the cameraman filmed the entire time. Way to pitch in, Charlie. Way to be a cold-hearted bastard, cameraman.

CNN took it one step further and had a reporter cover his own evacuation. No, I'm not speaking "bathroom-wise." This fellow had to leave his home. According to the headline, he didn't lose his home, but some of his friends did. I suppose he'll be interviewing them next. "So, how does it feel to lose your home? You know I didn't lose mine, right?" I have to say that if I was this jackass's wife, I'd have some pointed comments about his bid for a Pulitzer by plastering the airwaves with our family trauma.

But - today, CNN found the angle we've all been waiting for: the celebrity angle. According to the crawl, "Celebrities are among the many fleeing the California fires." But, wait, that's not the end of the story. No, "for more details, go to cnn.com/entertainment." When the end of the crawl crawled across the screen, I laughed out loud. Apparently, watching "average" folks flee a fire is heartbreaking, but when it's a celebrity, it's entertainment. I immediately got a mental image of a bunch of celebrities racing down a hillside while Ryan Seacrest chases after them, demanding to know who designed their "fire fleeing" attire.

Mark my words: If the fire gets anywhere near Britney Spears's house, these reporters will have the perfect storm.