Holiday music

Well, December is almost here and everything is turning red and green, unless you live in the NEPIW where everything is turning a dull gray so that when the blanket of snow finally arrives, you're thankful rather than annoyed.

In preparation for the holidays, I took a break from work earlier this week and loaded all of my holiday CDs into iTunes. Since that didn't take nearly enough time, I spent some time shopping in the iTunes store. I found some of my favorite, as yet unowned holiday music. Say what you want about Elton John's "Step Into Christmas," I love that song. Just makes me happy. And sometimes, there's nothing better than Bono's heartbreaking, "Baaaaby, please come home!"

In my searching, I came across many familiar titles and artists. I also came across some disturbing titles. Mixed in with "Silver Bells" and "White Christmas," the following songs sat quietly, as if they actually belonged in the list:

First, puzzling pairings of artists and titles:

• Please, Daddy (Don't Get Drunk) - John Denver: I don't care what you say, that's one festive-sounding song.
• Santa Claus (Got Stuck in My Chimney) - Ella Fitzgerald: Well, that's going to be tough to explain to the kids.

Next, pairings that seem to make sense:

• Yellin' at the Xmas Tree - Billy Idol: In the midnight hour, he yells, "Noel! Noel! Noel!"
• One Parent Christmas - Saffire and the Uppity Blues Women: Next line: "Half as many presents"
• I'll Be Stoned for Christmas - Bob Rivers: Hide the mistletoe, Bob's here!
• Codependent Christmas - The Therapy Sisters: The companion piece to John Denver's holiday classic. Please, Daddy, get drunk, because if you don't, none of us will know how to behave.
• Christmas is a Pain in the Arse - The Accelerators: Well, it certainly is for Ella Fitzgerald.
• Xmas in Jail - Asleep at the Wheel: Nobody knows the Christmas I've seen...

And, of course, the kings and queens of dysfunction and misery, the country singers:

• Leroy the Redneck Reindeer - Joe Diffie: Ah, the redneck jokes just never get old. Ha ha ha, a redneck reindeer. What do you suppose he hunts?
• Santa's Got a Semi - Keith Harling: Nothing says Merry Christmas like pumping your arm up and down, hoping Santa will blow his horn.
• Cold Beer - Tracy Lawrence: Let it pour, let it pour, let it pour.
• Let's Make a Baby King - Wynonna: Wonder where you're supposed to put the emphasis in this one. "Let's make a baby, King" means one thing, while "Let's make a baby king" means something totally different. Both are equally gross, though.

And, finally, my personal favorite:

• Santa's Messin' with the Kid - Lynryd Skynyrd: I don't even want to know that this song is about.

I'm sticking to Elton and Bono.