Toilet News

The other night, I settled in front of the TV with my big plate of homemade spaghetti and meatballs. I caught the tail-end of a report about the Atlanta mayor's press conference, where she called on all citizens to conserve more water. I didn't see the entire report, but apparently her remarks focused on the evils of flushing. More specifically, she encouraged everyone to rush home, rip out their water-guzzling high flow toilets and replace them with the low flow variety. She ended her remarks with an enthusiastic, "So we're all going to save water, right?" There was a slight murmuring from the gathered, not the rousing "Damn straight!' that she was hoping for.

I'm guessing she went back to her office, held her head in her hands, and moaned, "Why me? Andy Young and Maynard Jackson never had to talk about toilets. Young got a major thoroughfare named after him, and Jackson got the airport. My name is going in the crapper." As far as I could tell, she avoided saying, "If it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down," thus preserving some of her dignity.

As if that wasn't absurd enough, the reporter covering the press conference wrapped up her report while standing in a bathroom in front of a toilet. I guess she wanted to make sure that we all understood what the mayor was referring to, in case any of us were confused by the mayor's references to toilets. I thought, "So, it's finally come to this."

But, that's not all. Apparently toilets were big news on this day and the crack team of reporters provided full coverage (puns absolutely intended). The next reporter went forth and found a contractor to talk about the ins and outs of removing high flow toilets, the new scourge of our existence. The contractor described a two-flow toilet - where you could decide to use an entire flush or only half of a flush. As he started to explain when and why you might need a full flush, I decided that I'd heard enough. I'd worked too hard on my dinner to have it ruined by this fellow's feeble attempts to delicately talk about an indelicate subject.