Toilet gift idea

You know how you don't really notice something for a while, then after you do notice it, you see it everywhere? Well, apparently, it's happened with me and toilets. Ever since my original post referring to "if it's yellow, let it mellow...," I see toilet references everywhere. This would be fitting, even ironic, for my friend who enjoys the potty humor. As for me, I find it terribly troubling.

Putting those concerns aside, here's the latest installment in "Heg's Toilet Fact of the Day:"

For the last week or so, the local paper has been running a series of articles recommending gift ideas centered around a particular theme. Today's theme: Mind & Body Gifts. There's the Affirmagy Wrap - a blanket with the same annoying (oh, I mean, affirming) sayings that you see on posters. The paper decided to feature the "Motherhood" blanket, where you can wrap yourself in affirmations like, "I am blessed to be a mother. Motherhood uplifts my world with light. I am grateful for my creative feminine energy." Wonder what the single, childless woman's wrap says. "Thank God I have this blanket since I don't have anything else to keep me warm, except this bottle of Jack Daniels and some wool socks. Woohoo, go me!" Surprisingly, no one at Affirmagy has contacted me to write for them.

Next, Sharper Image has come out with Noise Cancellation Headphones. Put the headphones on and with the push of a button, you can create "a quiet place" - because our world has become so damn loud that you have to wear headphones to experience any peace and quiet.

So, moving on, the article suggests a hula hoop for exercise while on the road. It folds up for easy storage during travel. Apparently, the designers haven't been in a hotel room lately. Not sure where I'd find space to unfold my hula hoop and swivel without damaging something (on me or in the room). How embarrassing to admit that no, you're not a rock star who trashed the room while gyrating with a lovesick fan. Instead, you're a middle-aged business traveler, gyrating to get rid of your love handles.

OK, on to the toilet suggestion. The Kohler C3 toilet seat. Retails for $750-$1300. That's right. You can either pay your mortgage, or buy one of these toilet seats for the "luxury minded person who desires cleanliness, comfort and convenience." Luckily, I don't have anyone like that on my Christmas list this year.

The description starts: "Promising better performance for the big job..." I'm tempted to just stop there, but it gets better. Among the features of the C3-100 and C3-200 (weren't they in Star Wars?), there's a "seat ring that warms, hydro-cleansing wand, and warm air fan for 'partial' drying." I'm going to stop there. Why "partial" drying? Does it only dry part of you? Which part? And, let's consider the hydro-cleansing wand for a moment. I don't know about you, but I can't get "bippity-boppity-boo" out of my head.

OK, moving on. In addition to these fabulous, totally unneccesary features, the seats also come with a blue light so you can find the toilet in the dark, a lid that softly closes by touch, and a deodorizer. And, finally, it has a memory chip, allowing it to remember specialized settings for two users. Not a memory chip that remembers you, specifically. Can you imagine - you walk into the bathroom and the toilet moans, "Oh God, not you again." Or, "Hope you didn't have chili last night." Or simply snaps the lid shut and refuses to open.

So, hope these gift ideas have been helpful. Happy shopping!