Acknowledgements

This weekend, with some pointers from a friend, I conquered Word and figured out how to number the pages properly. This timely assistance did not make into the acknowledgements section of my dissertation, but it should have. Since anyone and everyone who will read my dissertation (I imagine that number is approximately 5 people) will read the acknowledgements, I decided to play it straight. What follows are the real acknowledgements:

As I complete my degree, I would like to acknowledge the contributions of the many people and things that helped me to achieve this goal. First, to the pencil-headed German historian whose insensitivity and condescension lit a fire under me two years ago, I say thanks. May you read the email about my dissertation winning the Distinguished Dissertation award and choke on your overinflated ego.

Next, to the Graduate School committee that decided I was not worthy of an Excellence in Research award. Ditto.

To my former bosses, whose management style drove me screaming from my previous profession, I say thanks. Without your confidence-crushing criticism balanced with absolute ambivalence, I would have had a much more difficult time deciding to leave.

To the northeastern post-industrial wasteland, thanks for being so awful. Your consistent crappiness provided constant motivation for me to finish this degree and get the hell out.

To Orlando Bloom and Johnny Depp. Thanks for staying in the news, and doing and saying ridiculous things. You'll never know how many hours of entertainment you've provided - because I refuse to try to figure it out. Let's just say that the final tally would be pretty darn embarassing.

To the ferral cat, thanks for the hours of entertainment you provided for my friends. Your incomprehensible behavior saved us all from many hours of productive studying.

To my car, my stalwart companion, thanks for enduring 5 northeastern winters with good humor and consistency. No matter how much snow, rain, ice, etc fell from the sky, you were always ready to go. OK, you did freeze the locks while I was inside one day - thus, locking me inside the car, but we got past that. You've literally shared this journey with me and I can't say enough about Japanese engineering.

To my computer and its predecessor. Thanks for continuing to work despite near-constant use. If my car was my stalwart companion, you were my rock, my foundation. In the course of this project, you and I literally crisscrossed the country together. Maybe next time, you can carry me.

To my tooth that fell out in the middle of a cotton field in Mississippi, thanks for the great story.

To Jack Daniels, thanks for the memories (or lack thereof.)

To the Goats, who consistently raise the bar on snarkiness, Bleat Out!