Spring Shopping

Temperatures have surpassed the 70 degree mark, everything is covered in yellow dust, and I turned on the air conditioning when the temperature in my apartment hit 80 yesterday. Spring has officially arrived in the southland. To celebrate, I decided to go shopping. I've just returned and I have nothing good to report.

The pattern this spring is big and bold. Sorry - BIG AND BOLD! The bigger, the better. BIG bright flowers, BIG abstract prints, BIG tie-dye washes. BIG! And BOLD! Here's the thing - I know very few women who want to wear BIG BOLD PATTERNS. I know even fewer women who should wear BIG BOLD PATTERNS. I didn't see anything that I wanted to own, and I don't think it's a result of my generally conservative clothing taste. As a smallish person, I get completely lost in these clothes. Literally. Can't see me at all. I look like I was swallowed by a huge bouquet of really ugly flowers, or Jackson Pollock came back just to wrap me in one of his canvasses.

To make matters worse, clothing designers have completely forgotten how to construct a waistband. You know, that strip of fabric that used to define your waist. Maybe you'll know what I'm talking about if I mention that it's now used to define the line right below your breasts. That's not where my waist is, and that's not a part of my body that I'm in a hurry to draw attention to. "Hey, look, isn't the line right under my breasts really attractive?" I know that it's supposed to enhance my bust. Doesn't work for me. Instead, I just look pregnant as the fabric blossoms out from my bustline, never touching skin again. I must admit that clothing designers have accomplished the impossible - they've taken my size 2 frame and made me look fat. Thanks. Can I have a belt now?

Now, on to the cropped sweater/jacket trend. Call it what you like, but the "tent draped on my shoulders" look just doesn't work. Again, I look pregnant. I want to look sleek and chic, not like a trapezoid. And what's with all the BIG buttons? As if the proportion and color of the jacket weren't enough to draw attention to myself, I've got buttons big enough to pick up satellite TV. And, can I please have full-length sleeves? A 3/4 length sleeve is as useful as a sleeveless turtleneck.

My most disappointing moments came when I realized that I looked better from behind than from the front. This happened twice. That's when I gave up.

But not before I tried to find shoes. I've become very intolerant of uncomfortable shoes. This means that I'm now shopping in the "uncute shoes" sections of shoe stores and I don't care. However, I have a business meeting coming up in a few weeks and I need business shoes. Business shoes that can take me through an airport and back and forth from the hotel. I'm looking for the impossible. Still, I search on. Today, I tried on a pair of wedge-heel sandals. They were cute enough, but I discovered that I have very slippery feet. Like kids sledding down a hill, my feet kept sliding down the heel until my toes were hanging over the end of the shoe. Apparently, I need closed toes shoes, to insure that I don't slide right out the front of my sandals.

So, to sum up, I'm too small for Spring fashions and my feet are too slippery. Happy Spring!