This morning, I decided that I hadn't wasted 3 hours of my life because I'd learned some valuable life lessons. I'm also deciding that I'm not wasting even more time by writing these lessons down:
- If you plan to commit a crime, do not use your home phone or cell phone to talk with your accomplices. Phone calls can be traced.
- If you plan to commit a crime, do not use your home computer or Blackberry to email your accomplices.
- Always beware of middle-aged men who still live with their parents, especially if they keep their bedroom doors shut all the time.
- Always beware of ambitious women. They're calculating and dangerous.
- If you're a defense attorney, do not let your client take the stand. Jack McCoy will have your client for lunch.
- Dead bodies are really hard to hide.
- Do not withdraw or deposit large amounts of cash from your bank account, especially if someone close to you has just expired under suspicious circumstances.
- Once you leave New York City, you're in bumpkin country where it's always cold and snowy.
- If you plan a meeting where everyone sits around a large conference table, the police will bust in and arrest you in front of your colleagues, even if you say, "We're in conference!"
- Police divers are genetically programmed to find guns in murky water.
- You might think that you own the same shoes as everyone else, but you don't. Unlucky for you, you purchased the pair that leave very specific footprints at a crime scene.
- Always commit a crime in the nude while wearing surgical gloves and a hair net. That way, you won't leave any fibers or hair behind.
- Scrubbing your entire bathroom with bleach looks suspicious.
- Once you become Chief of Detectives, you have to stay inside a dingy office. The good news is that you're all-knowing, like Yoda, and you have access to an endless supply of coffee.
- If you're a short old cynical troll, Jack McCoy will not hire you.
See, not a waste of time at all.
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