PG-13

I'll start by admitting that I don't have children. I'm still going to venture into a dangerous area and dare to offer some advice for those who do have children.

I don't face the myriad decisions that parents face on a daily basis - the most important of which is: How will I entertain the children today? A movie might seem like a good choice. Sure, you might have to sit through a mindless animated feature where forest animals use logic to solve problems, but for 90 minutes, the children might be entertained and quiet. Especially if you give them popcorn and soda.

Yesterday, I went to the movies and noticed a number of parents using this strategy to entertain the children. My friend and I watched as parents purchased tickets for themselves and the 1, 2, or 5 children with them. We wondered what movie they were going to see. All the movies seemed to be rated PG-13 or R, and none of these children looked like they were anywhere close to 13 or 17.

We soon learned which movie they chose - because we chose the same one. Iron Man. (Why I chose to see another comic book superhero movie after watching Spiderman 3 is a subject for another blog entry - after I figure out the reason.)

Based on my experience, I'd like to humbly offer some additional guidance beyond the film industry's attempt to help parents make decisions:

1) If your toddler is crying when you enter the theater, you should not find a seat and hope he or she will stop crying. He or she won't. He or she is beyond caring about popcorn. He or she is not ready to watch a 2-hour movie without talking animals. He or she wants dinner, because it's 5:30 and he or she is hungry. Cut your loss and go back home.

2) If your toddler has a tendency to babble, that's great. That's precious. He or she is developing and mastering valuable communication skills. It's not so precious in a quiet movie theater. In the end, your child will be better off if they don't master the dialogue in Iron Man. Cut your loss and go back home.

3) If your child has a tendency to talk to you while you're on the phone, turn off your phone when the movie starts. If you must take a call during the movie, go outside immediately. Other moviegoers get cranky if you answer your phone and punctuate your conversation with "Shut up!" to your child sitting next to you.

4) If your child scares easily, movies with intentionally over-the-top bad guys in big scary iron suits who blow up and smash everything in their path may not be your best choice for family entertainment. Sure, your 4-6 year-old boy will be taken in with the fancy marketing for the big superhero summer blockbuster. It's all geared for 4-6 year olds after all. But the actual movie may be too intense. Becoming desensitized to loud screen-filling explosions and sneering bad guys bent on world domination is not a critical developmental stage for 4-6 year olds. It's also OK if they don't sharpen their communication skills on mindless dialogue that alternates between threats and more threats. Finally, it's OK if they don't learn that women are only around to wear high heels and tight dresses and make sure the man has coffee and sex.

I wonder if I would have faced these same issues if I had gone to see the movie at 9:30 on Tuesday.