Dave & Doug

As many of you recall, I switched phone and internet providers in July. I would have stayed with my original provider (let's call them Dave). But, when my bundled package expired, I called Dave to see if we could just keep things the way they were. I just wasn't ready to make a larger commitment. Dave didn't seem to understand the question, and kept offering things I didn't want for more than I was willing to pay.

So, I switched to another provider, let's call them Doug. Doug isn't ideal but he seemed like he was more prepared to meet my needs. At the very least, he understood my basic questions. After I committed to Doug, I broke up with Dave. Dave asked me to stay, offering exactly what I'd wanted all along. I explained that if he'd been willing to give me those things from the beginning, I wouldn't have even considered Doug. But, now, I had Doug, so Dave would have to settle for his diminished role as my cable provider.

As one does in a break up, I personally returned Dave's belongings - in this case, his modem. I had to stand in a long line, because apparently, a lot of people wanted to break up with Dave. He reluctantly accepted my modem, asking what he'd done wrong and if I was really happy with Doug. I held my ground, said I didn't want to get into all of that again, and simply asked for a receipt. Before I left, I made sure that he understood that he was the cable guy - nothing more.

Fast forward two months: This week, I got my monthly letter from Dave. I was surprised to see that he still thought of himself as my internet provider. I double checked my previous letter and sure enough, he'd charged me for internet service for that month as well. "Sneaky bastard," I thought.

So, Monday, I paid another visit to Dave. Again, I stood in a long line at Dave's dingy office. I finally worked my way to the counter where I had the privilege of talking with one of Dave's representatives. I showed her my bills and my receipt from my earlier visit. She barely spoke to me, just picked up my bill and my receipt, punched some keys on her computer and stared at the screen. Then, she started clicking her mouse. Clickity, clickity, clickity, click. With each click, she reminded Dave that we were done, through, over. He was not the provider who met all of my needs. He was the cable guy, that's it.

When she finished, she handed everything back to me and said, "OK, you should receive a bill for $57 every month for cable service." I wrote that down. I asked if I could go ahead and pay my bill for this month - because I didn't know if Dave would send another letter. She said, "Sure." I started to write the check (yes, I still use checks!) and she said, "Just write the check for $45.63. That should be about right." I stopped, pen in mid-air. "But, you said I should pay $57." (I was also concerned about the "that should be about right" part of her comment.) Continuing to look at her screen, she said, "I removed all the internet charges and so you have a credit for this month." Having no confidence her information, I wrote the check.

As I handed it to her, I verified that Dave wasn't going to disappear from my life completely if he felt wronged somehow - like maybe he'd been shortchanged by this representative's questionnable math skills. She assured me that Dave would stick around. As I turned to leave, I said, "Well, I hope I won't be back next month." She finally looked up at me and said, "Hopefully not."

Gotta say that I'm not feeling all that reassured at this point. Within an hour of walking through my door, Dave called to tell me about all of the wonderful things he could do for me, if I'd just come back. Dave was clearly working from a script. Despite his constant interruptions, I forced Dave to listen to my tale of woe and explained that I was perfectly happy with Doug - and that Dave was to blame for our break-up.

I can only hope that Dave will find someone new.