Gold Medal Announcing

Like everyone else, I've been watching the Olympics from Beijing. I watched the thrill of victory when Michael Phelps won 8 gold medals, and the agony of defeat when Alicia Sacramone lost a medal in the vault to the Chinese gymnast who completely botched her second attempt. Most of all, I've listened to NBC's announcers. At the close of these games, I'd like to offer the following awards:

• Rainman Award: There's a tie for this award, between Tim Daggett in Gymnastics and Cynthia Potter in Diving. Just as a gymnast's feet touch the floor, or a diver enters the water, these freaks of nature can spit out the exact score for the dive or routine. "Oh, he disturbed the water as he went in and won't score more than 9s" in diving, or "She had 3/10 deduction when she breathed wrong, so she won't score higher than 14" in gymnastics. As if that's not remarkable enough, they quickly do the word problem to figure out what the next competitor needs to score. "If Gymnast A scored x, what does Gymnast B need to score to move ahead?" I know they have computers, but I don't think they're using them. If you're headed to Vegas, I'd suggest inviting them along.


• Too Close for Comfort Award: Blowing the competition away, this award goes to Rowdy Gaines in the Water Cube. We all love Michael Phelps, but Gaines's analysis of Phelps's entire body, complete with diagram, was not necessary. "If you were going to build the perfect swimmer, this is what you'd want..." Apparently, you'd want long arms, short legs, and big feet. I don't know about anyone else, but I'm still picturing Oscar Goldman and Rudy Wells in the lab, "We have the technology, we can build a better swimmer. Better than he was before. Better, stronger, faster." I'm a little surprised that Gaines didn't mention Phelps's fins and gills.


• Master of the Obvious Award: I'm sure that many announcers can share this award, but I want to give special mention to Andrea Kremer, poolside. Following a disappointing show in the women's diving competition, Kremer managed to get US champion Laura Wilkinson in front of the camera. Kremer looked at Wilkinson and asked, "So, Laura, this is your last competition and you didn't do as well as you expected. Why are you so emotional?" I so wanted Laura to say, "Are you stupid?"


• The Salt in the Open Wound Award: This award goes to Bob Neumeier, trackside. Diplomacy, thy name ain't Bob. In interview after interview, he managed to make every dejected athlete feel even worse. Take Wallace Spearman for example. Following his disqualification from the men's 200, he talked with Bob. Bob's question: "So, Wallace, did you know that you stepped on the line as you ran the turn? Because the tape clearly shows that you did." Following the debacle in the women's 4x100 relay, Bob talked with Lauren Williams. "So, Lauren, did you all have a plan to get the baton around the track?" Following his loss in the men's 400, Jeremy Wariner agreed to talk to Bob and his salt. "So, Jeremy, you just lost by a long shot. Rethinking that decision to switch coaches?" Wariner walked off camera, and I cheered.


• Most Unpredictable Award: I've created this award specifically for Bela Karolyi. Apparently, Karolyi is so unpredictable that NBC has to keep him bottled up in the studio, away from the actual event venue. Karolyi, like the rest of us, has to watch the events on TV, for fear that he'll cause an international incident if unleashed.


• Worst Ager Award: What has happened to Jim Lampley? I'm sure that forcing him to stay up nights in Beijing didn't help his appearance, but he looks like he crawled out of the grave.


• Perpetual Smiler Award: What IS Cris Collinsworth so damn happy about?


• And, finally - Most Hyperbolic Award: In this highly competitive category, Ato Bolton stands alone. Sure, Rowdy Gaines and Tim Daggett gave him a run for his money (so to speak), but it was Bolton's comment about Chinese hurdler, Liu Xiang, that clinched his win in this category. According to Bolton, "Liu's withdrawal from the 110m race was absolutely devastating for 1.6 billion Chinese people." It's just so ridiculous. It still makes me laugh.
  

And, so, tonight, we'll all watch the Closing Ceremony, where the Chinese will extinguish the Olympic flame by tossing in all the athletes who underperformed and we'll all go on with our lives.