In the News

As you know, I love the Blotter in my local paper. Sure, I feel for victims of car crashes, accidental injuries, and violent crime. I also have some sympathy for the folks who go away on vacation and return to find their air conditioners gone. Or the poor college students who discover that their roommates didn't guard their possessions over the long summer break, and now they have to buy a new laptop, iPod, and Wii, because what college student can survive without all three of those things?

No, the reason I love the blotter is because of entries like the following from the past week:

You know it's going to be good when the headline reads, "Madison reports strange arrest." It all started when a Madison County woman (not Meryl Streep) reported that someone in a truck dropped an object on to her windshield and broke it. A diligent sheriff's deputy (not Don Knotts) surveyed the damage and the crime scene and came to a conclusion. Calling on his finely honed detecting skills and extensive knowledge of all of the county's truck drivers (quite a feat for someone in a rural county), he stopped in to see a man who drove a truck matching the description of the windshield breaker.

When the deputy arrived, he immediately became suspicious. According to the report, "he found the 31 year old man with a syringe jutting from his pocket and wires dragging on the ground from inside his pants." Upon further investigation, the deputy learned that the syringe contained meth residue, which goes a long way toward explaining the rest of the story. According to the report, "the wires led to a battery that made [a] homemade contraption vibrate in his pants." Seems the fellow "placed a small motor inside a pill bottle and then wrapped the bottle in pipe insulation." Then, we assume, he put the contraption where the sun doesn't shine and plugged himself in.

We can cut the fellow some slack, because what man doesn't want something that vibrates in his pants? You've really got to hand it to this guy, so to speak. I mean, seriously, he could have gotten a cell phone, set it to vibrate, and constantly called himself. Or, he could get one of those contraptions, what's it called? You know, those things that vibrate. I think they're called vibrators.

But no, this genius looked around his house and asked himself, "WWMacD"? (What Would MacGyver Do?) In response, he decided to build a better vibrator, one that risked lighting up his "little buddy" with several volts of electrical current. I think we can agree that in this fellow's case, fertility problems might not be the worst outcome. I have to say that I'm a little disappointed that he didn't use a paper clip and chewing gum. MacGyver would have. But then, MacGyver wasn't hyped up on meth, or at least we don't think he was. Probably best not to consider what the fellow might have done with the chewing gum.

According to the Blotter entry, the fellow is in jail on multiple charges that don't include "possession of a strange vibrating contraption." There's no mention of what became of his contraption. I imagine it's quite the conversation piece in the evidence room.

As if that wasn't enough entertainment, in yesterday's paper, there's a story of a woman who flagged down a police officer. It was 5AM and she wanted a ride to Odd Street. You just can't make this stuff up. The officer agreed to take her to her destination so she happily climbed into the car. That was her first mistake.

Seems she forgot that police cars are equipped with computers that retrieve information. On their way to Odd Street, the officer learned the woman's name, her real name - her second mistake. Using his trusty computer, the officer learned that the woman was wanted in a neighboring county. D'oh!

Seems she also forgot that police cars are equipped with other neat gadgets, like radios. She also forgot that police cars can go lots of places, not just Odd Street. Imagine her disappointment when she didn't arrive at Odd Street. Instead, the officer "gave her a ride to the county line where a sheriff's deputy picked her up and took her to the county jail." So, let this be a lesson to you - if you're wanted by the police, it's best to stay out of their cars. Find another way to Odd Street.

In case you're wondering, these geniuses are not in the same jail. It's probably best because there's no telling what might happen if they were allowed to combine their mental acumen.