Disorientation

Today, I got up before the sun to attend Benefits Orientation at Big City University where I'll be teaching this year. After a year of paying my entire health insurance premiums, I was looking forward to sharing the burden with my new employer. I left early in case I ran into traffic. The highways were surprisingly clear and I made it downtown with 30 minutes to spare. That was the end of my "smooth sailing."

When I arrived, I had to use the bathroom. Two cups of coffee, 90 minutes in the car - you do the math. I made my way to the correct building and walked into the lobby. I saw a public restroom with one of those punch-pad locks on it. Of course I didn't know the combination and I left my "secret bathroom lock decoder ring" at home. Reaching new levels of discomfort, I took the elevator to the basement, noting the irony of being oriented from a windowless room in the bowels of the building.

I got off the elevator with one thing on my mind - bathroom. I asked the first person I saw for directions. From behind his water-laden cart, the caterer directed me to the building manager, who told me that the closest bathroom was on the 3rd floor. "You've got to be shitting me," I almost said. So, back to the elevator and up 3 floors. I got off the elevator and looked frantically for the bathroom. Found it - complete with punch-pad lock. "Arrgghh," I exclaimed. I caught the first person I saw and lucky for her, she knew the combination.

Relieved, I returned to the basement. In orientation, I learned that Big City University's first mascot was the owl. I also learned that Big City University will get a football team in 2010. They're excited about that. Seems most students transfer from BCU because they want to attend schools with football teams. At least that's what they say. Now that BCU has a football team, no one will ever want to leave.

Orientation ended with the ultra-confusing presentation about health and retirement benefits. I found myself thinking something that often occurs to me during these presentations. It goes something like, "I hope I never have a job that requires that I memorize details about all of these insurance plans, and then have to explain it to people." This thought is often followed by, "Why can't we figure out how to have universal health coverage in this country? Why do I have to waste my time learning the ins and outs of the insurance industry?"

After two and a half hours in the windowless dungeon, I just wanted to escape. I decided to bring the forms and booklets home, so I could make an informed choice. When I got outside into the relatively fresh air, I decided that since I had a good 3 hours before afternoon rush hour, I'd get my ID and parking permit.

Faculty aren't the only ones getting oriented (or "orientated" as some would say). I stood in the ID line with new students, all bright and shiny, unjaded by the college experience, full of inquiry and questions. They seemed to be primarily interested in lunch. After I got my ID (with a halfway decent picture) and the oh so important university ID number, I walked the short 10 steps to the parking window.

The little girl behind the window swiped my brand new ID card (smudging some of the numbers) and couldn't find my information on her computer. Speaking with authority, she handed me a brochure and instructed me to follow the instructions to register online. I immediately tried to figure out how I could access a computer on campus, since technically, I don't exist. When I couldn't solve this puzzle, I decided to go home where I have a computer. I had to return to BCU next week anyway.

Two hours later, I was home. I tried to register online. I put in my campus ID and entered my birthdate in the required format. No dice. After five tries, I called Parking Services. The little girl on the other end of the phone informed me that because I'm faculty, I have "other parking options" and I needed to "come into the office" to register. I told her that I was just there, then drove 90 minutes home because the little girl at the window never said anything about coming into the office. The second little girl was less than understanding. I'll be sure to go through the brown door when I return next week. Hopefully, it won't have a punch-pad lock.

Next, I decided to fill out my health insurance forms. I was doing well until I got to the dental insurance. I want to be sure that I can continue to see my dentist who looks like Hitler. So, I called his office, described the convoluted information in my benefits book, and they responded with a bunch of questions I couldn't answer. So much for orientation. As of this writing, I've dialed Human Resources office 3 times. No one answers the phone. These are the same people who, just this morning, said, "Call us if you have any questions. We're here to help you. Don't be afraid to ask. Call us." They failed to mention that they won't answer their phones.

Moving on, I thought I'd see about getting an email address and work phone number. I called the department. The secretary recognized my name, which I took as a good sign. Then, I hit another brick wall, or door with a punch-pad lock. Can't get a phone until I get a computer. Can't get an email address until I get a computer. Can't get a computer until I get an office. Can't get an office until I return next week.

I'm quitting for the day.